WASHINGTON — Legendary frontman Ian MacKaye stunned longtime fans by revealing the song “Straight Edge” was not meant to be an anti-drug anthem, but a song celebrating delayed sexual gratification, confirmed sources questioning everything they once believed.
“I thought the lyrics were pretty obvious when I wrote them. Yes, I reference a bunch of drugs I don’t want to consume, but that’s only because I was waiting to bust. As soon as my partner and I finished, we would always get fucking tanked,” said MacKaye while sweeping the front porch of the Dischord house. “I’ve been trying for decades to tell people the song ‘Straight Edge’ was never meant to start a ‘movement.’ I’ve never intentionally hidden the true meaning, every time someone asked me about it I’d say something like ‘naw, that song is about cumming buckets,’ and they would just laugh like it was a joke. I’ve never told a joke in my life, and I don’t plan on starting now.”
This new information blindsided long-time Minor Threat fan Jerry Constantino.
“My whole life is a lie. I’ve got multiple straight edge tattoos and I feel like a fucking moron. We should have known, why did we just adopt the whole XXX thing without questioning it? I look like a walking billboard for smut,” said Constantino. “I used to scream the lyrics to ‘Straight Edge’ at full blast alone and crying in my car every time one of my Edge friends started drinking. But turns out I was just singing about a dude’s boner. My entire personality is based on a guy’s dick. I’m going to move to the woods, I can’t take being around people anymore.”
Punk historian Clara Heintgart says “Straight Edge” isn’t the only anthem that has been misinterpreted.
“Even Minor Threat’s ‘Out of Step’ is another song about sex. It’s about lacking sexual chemistry with your partner and talks about all the things you can’t do together. Ian was a real cooze hound back in the day,” said Hentgart. “If you look at ‘True ‘Til Death’ by Chain of Strength you will see even more straightforward lyrics that are often taken the wrong way. The song was written about culinary school and having substandard equipment, it has nothing to do with drug use. Sometimes I think straight edge people really try to find meaning in things that really aren’t there.”
At press time, MacKaye also revealed he wrote the lyrics to Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” while waiting to be seen at a free clinic to treat a variety of STDs he contracted in the ’80s.