19. Airheads
You have to choose your battles when stealing your kids’ candy. You can’t just say every single thing is poison, but you can say “I need to make sure all the wrappers are sealed.” And then while you are inspecting them you say how it looks like a needle was injected into a few of the Airheads. If only it were true.
18. Blow Pops
The bubble gum center of a Blow Pop is only good for about three seconds. And to get there you basically tear apart your tongue on the sharpest pop known to man. The taste of blood in your mouth reminds you that you’re alive. So yeah, if you’re anything like me you tell your kids “This smells like it’s been dipped in gas, better set this to the side.”
17. Sour Patch Kids
I love me some Sour Patch Kids, but it’s best to target the youngest child to get their bounty. I’ll tell them something like “You see that red mutant on the package? He was a little boy like you, but he turned into candy because he didn’t share.” Then when you eat them alone in the dark later on you bite the head off each one and throw away the rest.
16. 3 Musketeers
There is not a single person in the world that lists 3 Musketeers as their favorite candy. But while the kids were out trick or treating I stupidly flipped through the photo album from my wedding. I looked happy then, I’ll need all the chocolate I can eat later, even if that means I’m eating 3 Musketeers.
15. Payday
I won’t waste a good excuse on my kids to get a Payday, I’ll try something different to see how they react. I’ll say. something like “Oh yeah, when I was growing up only smelly kids at Paydays.” If they discard their Paydays after that I’ll know my kids are elitist pricks.
14. Hershey’s Bars
A simple classic. A serviceable Halloween treat. You don’t need to be tricky here, you just look at the ingredients label and let your kids know that the PGPR listed as an ingredient stands for “Pig Guts Pig Rectum.”
13. Milky Way
These are just Snickers without the peanuts, maybe these are good for people with peanut allergies. I really don’t know. What I do know is that I bought a giant bag of these to hand out this year but nobody came by the house because apparently, they heard a man crying really loud inside. I guess I’m eating these on my own.
12. Nestle Crunch
I told my kids the “crunch” is actually teeth from rats that died at birth. I don’t know why they believe me at this point. but I find myself mumbling “I love these rat teeth” after each bar.
11. 100 Grand
It’s tough to eat a lot of these, believe me, I’ve tried. Before my wife left me she dared me to eat a five-pound bag. I almost finished, but I threw up all over the couch. My oldest son remembers it and won’t touch a 100 Grand because of it.
10. Baby Ruth
When I showed my kids “The Goonies” I took advantage of Sloth’s physical appearance and told them “He looks like that because he ate one bite of a Baby Ruth” and they believed me.
9. Laffy Taffy
I honestly don’t even want to eat Laffy Taffy, but I’m compelled to lie to my children to get their candy. I tell them if they eat this their skin will start to boil and they will be covered in rashes. I’m just going to end up throwing these away because there is still better candy.
8. Twix
This would be higher if they made the peanut butter flavor more readily available, but still solid at #8. Last year I told my kids that criminals love to hide razorblades inside the caramel, now they are pretty afraid to even open the package. That’s a win for me.
7. Butterfinger
Eating a Butterfinger is completely unique, no other candy tastes like it. Sometimes your children don’t like the taste and texture. Unfortunately mine love it, so I discreetly powder each one of their Butterfinger packages and tell them it looks like they brought home some anthrax.
6. Reese’s Pieces
My kids love the movie ET. Every time we watch it I tell them ET is sick because he ate Reese’s Pieces, and they will waste away if they keep eating them. My kids hand these over freely at this point.
5. Skittles
When candy has multiple flavors and colors I find myself meticulously organizing them and then eating them in a specific order. I plan on scoring a lot of Skittles from my kids this year because I’m going to tell them a little boy died at the Skittle factory, and if they eat any of his candy he will haunt them.
4. Starburst
This is my daughter’s favorite candy, last year I told her they make each candy out of dog fur and apparently she mentioned that to a teacher at school. This teacher then called me and said I was an awful human, so this year I’m telling my daughter that the red Starburst is made from her teacher’s blood.
3. Nerds
Some of you might think this is a reach, but you don’t realize how easy it so just to say “looks like this has been opened and mixed with rainbow fentanyl.” While I’m eating box after box I begin to wish it was mixed with a potent opioid.
2. Snickers
There is a lot to pack into a Snickers, so lying to your children about which part is poison gets easier. Tell them you read a story in the New Yorker about how the most recent peanut crop was contaminated will cause you to shit yourself to death. Use that exact language, I did.
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
If you aren’t telling your kids that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are pure poison then you are a better man than I. Every year I scare my kids into giving me all of their Reese’s by doing a “taste test” of random peanut butter cup from their bag. I fall to the ground convulsing, they scream, they cry. I slowly pretend to recover and say “That’s a no again this year” and collect my bounty.