Halloween is here and that means my children will be coming home with a pillowcase full of sugary treats for me to steal. Unfortunately, my kids are getting older and wiser and they have an inventory system for the candy they believe they “earned” by walking less than a mile around our neighborhood wearing a costume I bought for them. So this year I’m going to do what any logical parent should do and tell my kid that their candy has been poisoned and we will need to throw it out immediately. What they don’t know is I plan on eating that candy in our darkened kitchen by the light of the moon as I quietly reflect on the days before I had kids, when I lived for myself, when I had dreams.
Anyway, I ranked which candy I’m most likely to lie to my kids about.
50. Raisins
Anyone that hands out raisins on Halloween is a scumbag. What are you, some sort of sadistic dentist trying to make a point about how sugar rots teeth? My kids should know not to bring this dried grape horseshit into my home. I won’t be touching these, therefore I’ll let my kids know they are perfectly safe to consume.
49. Dubble Bubble
If you ever meet someone who says “Hey, want some gum?” and then hands you a tiny nugget of Dubble Bubble then you need to run in the other direction. That person is a psycopath and should be locked up. I’m convinced they stopped making this candy in the 1930s and we as a society are still working our way through the unwanted inventory.
48. Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls are a classic Halloween candy, and if you love ripping out your fillings while eating something that looks like a tiny nugget of crap then this is for you. Personally, I like candy that tastes good. If any of my kids want to eat this, I won’t stop them, but I might stop showing them affection.
47. Candy Corn
I gave each of my children a half dozen eggs and told them to go to town on anyone handing out candy corn. If I ever met the CEO of Brach’s I’d spit in his face for continuing to manufacture this garbage that adults pretend to enjoy because it reminds them of being a kid. I guess I can’t blame them, I get strangely nostalgic for my childhood anytime the inside of a car smells like stale beer.
46. Circus Peanuts
There is an old man at the end of our block who gives out Circus Peanuts for Halloween each year. Two years ago his wife died, and he had a falling out with his kids so he’s very lonely. I assume his wife killed herself and the kids stopped calling because he insists on giving Circus Peanuts to kids.
45. Bit-O-Honey
Another candy that was invented before the Industrial Revolution. If you spend your money on this and hand it out to children you should be put on a watchlist. Every Halloween I start a trash can fire in my backyard so I have a place to put any Bit-O-Honey my kids bring home.
44. Wax Lips
Wax Lips are not meant to be eaten, but they still taste better than anything I’ve listed so far. My kids will put these to the side so I won’t have to make up a lie when I end up stealing them, popping one in my mouth, and then staring at myself in the mirror for seven hours until the sun comes up.
43. Necco Wafers
Have you ever heard the joyous laugh of children as they share candy and suddenly someone says “Oh pass me a gray one”? No, because nobody has ever enjoyed a Necco Wafer. I assume this is the type of candy they give people being detained at CIA dark sites. Hated since 1847.
42. Salt Water Taffy
Honestly, I’d rather drink a gallon of room-temperature salt water than consume one single piece of salt water taffy. This isn’t Cape Cod in 1915, we have good-tasting candy now, candy that makes me want to lie to my children, candy that demands I neglect sleep and think about where my life went wrong. This is not that candy.
41. Fruit Chews
The CEO of the Tootsie Corporation must dabble in illegal arms sales to hostile nations, because there is no way this company should still be in business. If my kids want to a good example of what disappointment actually tastes like then they should dig in.
40. Sixlets
Remember during the George Floyd protests when random pallets of bricks would show up seemingly out of nowhere, just begging for someone to throw a brick so cops had an excuse to spray people with tear gas? We assume those same people deliver Sixlets to random houses on Halloween in order to bum out children, and the parents of children that want to eat their candy. Sixlets isn’t candy, it’s entrapment.
39. Dots
Another swing and a miss Tootsie Co. I’m pretty sure if you applied a little bit of heat to Dots and melted them down they would make an industrial-strength adhesive. If any of my children showed an affinity for Dots I’d assume they were switched a birth.
38. Junior Mints
Junior Mints seems like a candy invented to trick police into thinking you haven’t been drinking and driving. If you’ve kicked back one too many just pound a box of these and the cop will just think “clearly this guy was just at the dentist.” Just try not to vomit.
37. Mounds
The absolute worst chocolate bar to ever be invented. If someone presents you an unwrapped Mounds you might dig in thinking “I can’t wait for some caramel and nougat inside this delicious milk chocolate.” Then BAM, it’s a bunch of fucking coconut that gets stuck in your teeth until you die. I accidentally ate one in a candy-stupor last year and I swear I’m still chewing some.
36. Almond Joy
Only slightly better than the Mounds because the almonds add some texture. I honestly feel deep sorrow for any almond unlucky enough to end up inside an Almond Joy. I’d rather like the bottom of a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster in August than eat one of these.
35. Good and Plenty
These look like the medicine you would take to help stave off Alzheimer’s. My youngest tried eating some of these last year and has had nightmares every single day since. These candies should be made illegal, if we can’t do anything about guns in this country maybe we can do something about Good and Plenty.
34. Hot Tamales
Oh nice, it’s the only candy that weird independent gas station on the edge of town sells. You know the place, it’s the gas station with one pump, no exterior lighting, and the oldest living man ever behind the counter. The one where there are all those blank squares on the wall from the recently removed racist signage.
33. Smarties
Two years ago my middle son was trading people actual good candy for Smarties. The next day I took him to the doctor and told him what happened and the doctor suggested we euthanize him. I strongly considered it, I really did. I don’t know why he eats this crap. I won’t touch it.
32. Pixy Stix
This is candy deconstructed. When you actually see how much sugar you are eating the appeal is gone. I want all that poison hidden away. But there is a small chance I’ll steal a couple of these from my kids and do rails of them off our kitchen table and reminisce about the days I went out and had fun at night.
31. Fun Dip
Fun Dip follows the same principle as Pixy Stix, it’s a bunch of sugar in a sack and you degrade yourself every time you eat it. But Fun Dip also comes with a stick, my ex-wife would actually eat the stick, when I watched her do it I thought to myself “I hope she didn’t pass this poisonous trait to our kids.” The only thing I’ll pass to our kids is crippling anxiety and alcoholism.
30. Tootsie Pop
The only reason the Tootsie Pop is so high is because the red, and only red, outer shell tastes pretty good. The other flavors can rot in hell, and the dumb owl that tries to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop is a moron. Stay away from the center, it’s crap.