CLACKAMAS, Ore. — Local Guitar Center employee Teddy Burns was informed he would be relegated to the store’s desolate lighting department due to the fact his ponytail is not in line with the company’s established dress code, management confirmed.
“Everyone who leads in sales also happens to have a ponytail that reaches the middle of their back, it’s not lost on me. When someone comes in to buy a guitar they want to know the person selling it to them can perform amazing figure eights with their hair,” said Burns from his secluded section of the store. “Unfortunately my hair just doesn’t grow like that, I was hoping my small ponytail would at least allow me to sell keyboards, but I need another eight inches before they let me near the Yamahas. It gets lonely in lighting, the only people that ever come back here are usually just looking for the bathroom or trying to shoplift.”
Store manager Ira Greyson says the company’s dress code is clearly laid out during the hiring process.
“We want all the members of our sales team to have long flowing ponytails that scream ‘This person can play every Metallica song from memory’ and unfortunately Teddy just has this little baby nub of a ponytail that says ‘I do yoga in the park.’ We just can’t have that,” said Greyson. “Market research shows that team members with long ponytails are better at sales. We have this one guy Gary with a ponytail that nearly touches the floor. He could sell a 12-string electric bass guitar to a folk musician, he’s that good.”
Guitar Center CEO Ronald Japinga admits he is slightly confused by the positive ponytail statistics.
“When I first came on board I was shocked by the ponytail data I was seeing. Regrettably, I instituted a policy where all our salespeople had to tuck their long flowing hair into a hat and we saw our sales dip by 4,000% within two days,” said Japinga. “I’ll admit that I don’t think most of the people that work for Guitar Center have any respect for me simply because I have a standard business haircut. It doesn’t matter how well I can play ‘Smoke on the Water,’ they want a CEO that looks like prime Yngwie Malmsteen.”
At press time, Burns is looking for new employment opportunities at a nearby Trader Joe’s but worries about his ability to start pointless conversations with customers about every item they purchase.