NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sources reported.
“Girls have always been ignoring us and running off with jock types who wear Rhapsody of Fire shirts and actually clean their eyeglasses, and I guess we just kind of got resigned to it over time,” member Luke Brevin said. “It was about time we did something about it, so when I suggested making this pact, the guys were all down. I turn 56 in August, so we’ve got about a decade to make it happen. I’m not sure if we’ll succeed, but one thing is for certain: this is going to be one wild ten summers.”
Eyewitness Erica Stauffer rolled her eyes at the group’s actions.
“I saw this group of old dudes with skullets standing with their right hands touching in the middle of a circle, and I immediately knew what they were doing,” Stauffer scoffed. “Given that they went right from making their little pact to discussing the riffs in the song ‘A Change of Seasons,’ I don’t think it’s going to happen. Have you seen the cover of that EP? Jesus Christ, dude. I don’t think anyone’s going to be charmed by them anytime soon. Their only hope is to pretend to be diehard listeners of literally any other band for the next few months. Honestly, they’d even fare better as Rush fans.”
Dream Theater keyboardist Jordan Rudess weighed in on the situation.
“I hate to say it, but this is a lost cause,” Rudess offered. “I’ve been playing in Dream Theater since ‘Scenes from a Memory,’ and even I’m still a virgin. I can tell you firsthand that our particular brand of slumber-inducing musical wankery has the exact opposite effect of an aphrodisiac. I wish them all the best, but we all know this is going to end with them completely giving up and reverting to just talking about their favorite songs off our album ‘The Astonishing.’ Ugh,I still can’t believe we called it that.”
At press time, the friend group was seen competing with a rival group of virgin Symphony X fans to win the attention of their love interests.