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Enjoyment of Concert Ruined by Anxiety of Leaving at the Same Time as 6,000 People in Crowd

LOS ANGELES — Local man Dwayne Jeffers’ enjoyment of a recent show was overshadowed by his debilitating anxiety at leaving at the same time as 6,000 other attendees, sources confirmed.

“OK, I think I have my exit strategy down. Just before the encore, I slowly walk out towards the aisle, which would allow me to strategically make it to the lower tier, thus avoiding this entire crowd. Now it’s the floor folks I need to worry about, which is why I’m opting for the emergency staircase. The exit routes in this amphitheater are a joke, man. Total bullshit egress and ingress routes. This is going to be a bottleneck nightmare,” opined Jeffers at a St. Vincent show, barely noticing the lavish display of pyrotechnics, intricate visuals and mind-bending solos onstage. “I knew we should’ve left after the first three songs to beat the rush. You know, I actually haven’t seen an encore since 2012. Seriously, though, the audience slowly shuffling out of here is a death trap. It can ruin and delay your day by, like, 10 or even 12 minutes.”

Jeffers’ partner Kassie Pepperfield laments their regular concert experience.

“I hate going to shows with him. He’s constantly talking about leaving ‘before everyone else,’ it’s the only thing on his mind. His ‘flight or fight’ response kicks in almost immediately when surrounded by thousands of people. I’d like to actually stick around to see the finale for once!” said Pepperfield. “We left a Paul McCartney show just as he launched into the ‘Abbey Road’ encore, and I literally heard the crowd roaring during the end of Kendrick Lamar. Both times, I was walking at a breakneck pace to keep up, absolutely unnecessary since there was no rush behind us. We speed out to be the first ones home, for what? ‘Sopranos’ reruns and microwaved leftovers!”

Greek Theatre director Mitch Menderson weighed in on the phenomena.

“The modern concert-going experience can be disastrous for those with anxiety. But we want to encourage our attendees to bring a neighborly approach as a crowd,” said Menderson. “Indulge in small talk with the strangers you were sitting beside. Make it a personal competition to hold your pee due to the mile-long bathroom line. Experience the luxurious walk to the parking lot, shuffling and stepping slowly, inching forward as you crawl home. We want to bring a positive spin to strangers stepping on your heels as you step over crumpled plastic cups. Sure, this won’t help with anxiety whatsoever. Nothing does. You will suffer forever.”

At press time, Jeffers had fractured an ankle after hastily leaving a Mitski show during the opening act, running through an empty lobby and yelling “Adios, suckers!” to no one in particular.