OAKLAND, Calif. — Rock’n’roll Hall-of-Famers Green Day traded long-time bassist Mike Dirnt today to in-state rivals NoFX in exchange for guitarist Eric Melvin, multi-instrumentalist Aaron “El Hefe” Abeyta, and a full, 8 oz. bag of singer/bassist Fat Mike’s signature Pineapple Decline marijuana, punk insiders confirmed.
“We were all hoping Mike could retire as a member of Green Day,” said frontman/GM Billie Joe Armstrong. “But Commissioner Grohl imposed a strict salary cap, and some tough choices had to be made. We think [Melvin and Abeyta] will give us the versatility to go in a whole new direction. I’ve got this idea for a rock opera about a trumpet player who talks like Popeye, and Hefe’s just the kind of guy who could bring that to life.”
Dirnt was also optimistic about his new bandmates.
“It’s going to be tough leaving the Green Day family, but I’m excited for the new opportunities out there for me. Fat Mike invited me to come check out his ‘dungeon’ later today — I don’t know if that’s like a nightclub or something, but it sounds pretty cool,” said Dirnt after cleaning out his locker at the Green Day training facility.
Pundits quickly weighed in on the trade with mixed reviews.
“This is a win-win for both squads,” said former 120 Minutes host Matt Pinfield. “It’s reminiscent of the legendary 1992 trade, when Metallica roadie Mikey Needles scored a handkerchief sneezed on by Lemmy in exchange for a test pressing of …And Justice for All.”
“In my day, there was none of this hopping from band to band and building a superteam. You got it done yourself, or you got in the van and went home,” said punk rock legend Henry Rollins.
- REPORT: Moshers at Green Day Concert Funded by George Soros
- Fat Mike Suffers Fake Liver Failure After Years of Pretending to be Drunk on Stage
- Study: Marijuana Use Severely Impairs Interior Decorating Skills
Meanwhile, rock critic Robert Christgau called both bands “vexatious dilettantes” and appraised the trade with a fire-engine emoji.
For their part, Melvin and Abeyta have welcomed the opportunity.
“We’re going to a winning organization,” said Melvin. “I’m not getting any younger. This could be my last shot at a #1 record… maybe even a Tony!”
While neither Melvin nor Abeyta would commit to playing bass in their new band, all reports from Green Day showed players welcomed the trade with open arms.
“At first, I thought we got ripped off,” admitted Green Day drummer Tré Cool. “But then I heard about the weed.”
Visit our virtual merch table and pick up a shirt by clicking below:
Article by Brad Skafish @badswordfish22.