OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley reportedly came in 27 minutes early with his air guitar at a recent show, embarrassed sources confirmed.
“I don’t know what came over me. I’ve seen them before. And I’ve dedicated hundreds of hours listening to that song, so I’ve heard it at least tens of times—I promise I know when the only riff comes in. I think I just zoned out and got a little excited,” said Riley as he hid by the stairs, wishing he’d brought a jacket to hide under. “I just hope no one saw me. Or if they did, maybe I can redeem myself later in the show with some air drums. But I’m a little worried that I can’t hold my arms out still for that long.”
Corbin Mata, Riley’s friend and roommate, attended the show with him.
“We’ve all made mistakes like this. Hell, I’ve made bigger mistakes like this on stage. The thing is, usually no one really notices or dwells on it like you do…usually. But this was a huge gesture in the middle of a completely still room. No one will ever forget,” said Mata, shuffling away slowly. “Anyway, I think I might head to the back and see if the band has any shirts for sale. And maybe pants. And a hat. And glasses. Oh, a bandana would be good! Or maybe they’ll give me a paper bag with it?”
Trent Perkins, the longtime merch guy for the band Quaalude Phase, unfortunately saw it all.
“The live show opener never changes. It’s always a 37-minute hum. On the dot. Sometimes the guys just hang their guitars from the rafters and take a piss while it rings out. We’ve even got it on a timer,” said Perkins. “I get it, though—it puts you in kind of a meditative state. You lose track of time. Understandable, but boy, did that guy look like an idiot. Look, I even got it on video. Is ‘Errant Drone Strike’ too insensitive for my TikTok caption?”
At press time, Riley was struggling to recover after biting into the frozen center of a Hot Pocket.