OSLO, Norway — The brand new, all-black metal streaming platform “Corpsify +” is responsible for the brutal deaths of eight Norwegian black metal fans, despite only being live for two hours, Norwegian officials allege.
“Our platform was designed to bring the black metal community together, not promote violence,” said lead developer Ulrich Hölberg from a locked office, attempting to avoid the wrath of his creation. “But I’ll admit, it’s our fault for not realizing that bringing together the black metal community normally involves a shit-ton of violence. Within 10 minutes of our launch there were reports of fistfights and stabbings, with churches burning all over the country. Our daily active users have been impressive, but at what cost?”
Witnesses described seemingly ordinary Norwegians leaving their jobs, putting on corpse paint, and arming themselves with medieval style weapons.
“I made my grandma a Corpsify + account for her birthday, and she immediately started eating the ashes of my cremated grandfather,” said black metal fan Lars Hotvedt while dumping gasoline on a priest. “I was horrified until I realized it was metal as fuck and joined her. I got a little worried when she started talking about purity of Scandinavian blood — I’m not into that whole racist side of the scene — but she’s a bit older, so I get that she’s stuck in her ways.”
While the creators of Corpsify + claimed they were not expecting so much violence, black metal experts have long warned against putting such a high concentration of the music in one place.
“Norwegian legend has always told us that one should never put too much metal in one place. That’s why the Vikings built those huge boats: to get the fuck away from each other,” said Stieg Bjørnson, a black metal historian. “All of the world’s black metal on one service is like opening up a portal directly to hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone on the planet has been eaten by demons by the end of the week.”
The Norwegian government is planning for the worst, as the platform looks to expand into producing original black metal movies, black metal talk shows, and black metal comedy shorts, which could potentially wipe out the rest of the population.