FREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources close to the band confirm.
“During your final days you start to contemplate things like where you would like to spend eternity,” noted Bashful Dominatrix merch guy, Dudley “Scoops” Abernathy. “I thought about getting buried in the family plot next to my partner who passed, but why not spend my post-mortem in a storage box that only the likes of unpurchased Gildan mediums have tread? If it’s good enough for patches, pins, and stickers, it’s good enough for my rotting corpse.”
One of the members of Bashful Dominatrix was available to comment on the plight of his ill-fated merch guy in between cryotherapy sessions.
“We have nothing but love for old Scoopsy,” mused Bashful Dominatrix vocalist Corvus Flintwinch. “It’s a damn tragedy what has been going on with his health lately. I understand that he wants to store his remains in one of the plastic storage boxes we use for our merch, which I think is lovely and poetic. However, if we need to use the box to make room for extra copies of CDs that will probably never sell and beer koozies, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we dump him in an ashtray or something.”
News of Abernathy’s impending death reached the leadership of the International Brotherhood of Merch Guys organization, who offered valuable information regarding end-of-life options for members in good standing.
“Mr. Abernathy has always been a loyal member of the IBMG, so we would just like him to be well-informed of his options before his passing,” replied IBMG spokesman Vincent Lionetti. “It’s natural that Mr. Abernathy would want his ashes to be placed in a merch container, but for a few extra bucks we can have his remains literally infused into his band’s t-shirt so that he can be worn by some random sweaty dude at shows for all time. I honestly can’t think of a better outcome.”
At press time, Abernathy opted to purchase the concierge package offered through his union, which would still have him in a plastic storage box, but would be placed next to the drummer to be used as an impromptu stand for their laptop.