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Danzig Already Mentally Spending Halloween Royalty Check

LOS ANGELES — Legendary horror rocker and Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig is already mentally spending the annual bump in royalties he expects to receive from Halloween-related merchandise sales, close friends and family confirmed.

“I can finally repair the dishwasher… and maybe get that tuckpointing done,” said Danzig from his modest home. “Or, maybe just spend it on ‘funsies’ for myself — I’ve had my eye on a new mesh tank-top, as well as this motorcycle made out of skulls. Ugh! So many choices.”

Friends of the goth hero, who has been spotted all around the Los Angeles area window-shopping for new free-weights since early September, say this routine happens every year as soon as the leaves start to turn.

“Every Halloween-themed DJ, cover band, and playlist in America usually has at least one Misfits or Danzig tune on it,” said longtime friend James Stanley. “And every one of those entities has to pay Glenn a royalty. Thanks to some accounting magic, he even makes money whenever someone plays ‘Pumpkin Head’ off of Famous Monsters.”

“Danzig never really knows what to do with the cash influx, so he’ll dole out expensive gifts to his friends… like Transylvanian wine, a piece of furniture from the Amityville Horror house, or Ed Gein’s hat,” fellow childhood friend Rosalie Guerstin confirmed.

While Danzig has often called the weeks before Halloween his ‘busy’ season, some believe he is overestimating just how important his music is to the holiday.

“I mean, no one is putting ‘Bringer of Death’ — or anything off Danzig 4, for that matter — on their Halloween playlist anymore. Millennials like more EDM-type music, and aren’t really interested in an old, spooky-ish punk crooner,” said Danzig’s accountant Walter Craig. “Every year, he buys tons of ruby-studded coffins, samurai swords, and giant African bats, and every year, I have to make him return them all.”

Indeed, some agree Danzig’s ego is too intertwined with the holiday.

“That Danny Elfman goddamn son-of-a-bitch just bought himself a xylophone made out of human ribs. He ain’t got nothing on you!” one neighbor reportedly saw Danzig yell into a mirror. “This is your day!”

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