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Crust Punk Dog Forced to Put Owner Down

AUSTIN, Texas — A crust punk dog was forced to terminate his owner last week after the owner contracted a sudden illness that quickly spiraled out of control, according to friends and family.

“Lemmy loved that human. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever seen that dog make,” said Sally Hampton, a head shop owner and friend of the family. “But it just got to a point where he was wasting away. The most humane thing to do was put him down with some dignity intact.”

Lemmy reportedly made a last-ditch effort to provide Johnny “Hutch” Hutchins, his late owner, with much-needed antibiotics, but ultimately fell short.

“Yeah, sometime last week, a dog came in to buy up all our cough syrup, and I had to tell him to scat,” said local pharmacy manager Helen Stump. “It’s sad when a dog loses his owner, but I can’t sell some four-legged vagrant a bunch of Robitussin. There are laws I need to abide by.”

At a brief funeral service, friends of Lemmy shared their favorite memories of his deceased human companion.


“I’ll always remember how Lemmy would fetch job applications, and Johnny would just rip them right up as soon as Lemmy put them down. It was a fun game,” said longtime friend Tommy Dixon. “Honestly, I’m surprised he made it this long. Lemmy protected his human from drunkenly stumbling into intersections so many times. They were quite the team.”

Emergency workers in Austin were surprised Hutchins lived as long as he did.

“This was a guy we were all very familiar with,” said EMS worker Janice Marquez. “It seemed like at least once a month, we needed to pump his stomach because he drank too much, or he ran out of booze and drank lighter fluid, or something dumb like that.”

Hutchins is survived by his estranged sister and five packs of stolen cigarettes stashed underneath his box spring mattress. Meanwhile, Lemmy announced plans to re-enroll in obedience school, hoping to one day become a therapy dog.