NEW YORK — A recent corporate restructuring initiative in adherence to a new five-year strategic plan led to mass layoffs at C+C Music Factory, disgruntled sources report.
“I’ve known this was coming for quite some time, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” General Manager Robert Clivillés said. “We’ve been dealing with a lot of challenges over the past few decades. Sure, in the early ‘90s it was a lot easier for us to get people to sweat ‘til they bled, but a rapidly changing business environment coupled with inflation and supply-chain issues have made maximizing our bottom line and getting funky in this post-COVID world untenable under our old framework. These changes are definitely necessary, but a lot of good workers are being sent home today. Of course we’ll miss them, but it’s now time for us to move forward as the nation’s prominent supplier of dance music.”
Laid-off employee Corbin Wellford was doubtful of the factory’s ability to carry on without him.
“I started out in the Department of Dancing Now 30 years ago,” Wellford complained. “I worked my way up from clerk to Senior Manager, and this place wouldn’t be where it is today without my contributions. And what do I get for it? Six months’ severance pay and a security escort out the door. I’m not a spiteful person, but I’m really going to enjoy watching this place go under. There’s absolutely no way they’re going to keep people dancing without my expertise. Is there even anybody left who can operate the Give Me the Music module? Whatever, not my problem anymore.”
Corporate Efficiency Consultant Latonya Burke was not surprised by the factory’s ordeal.
“We live in an increasingly borderless world,” Burke mentioned. “At surface level, that seems good for workers, but with it comes the attractive option for companies to outsource their labor and embrace artificial intelligence to drastically reduce their labor costs. This is great for their profit margins, but horrible for once-invaluable employees whose wages suddenly appear as an undue burden. C+C Music Factory is certainly no exception, as automation in land cultivation has resulted in similarly devastating staff cuts at Alien Ant Farm, and don’t even get me started on the hollowing-out of the entire industrial music sector, like the one at Fear Factory years back. Unfortunately, I don’t see the situation improving anytime soon.”
At press time, the factory was forced to shutter its doors after President Donald Trump declared a 25% tariff on all imported Canadian goods falling under the “Move & Grind” classification.