WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of the Interior recognized 34-year-old Rob Meszka of Louisville, Kentucky with the Citizen’s Award for Bravery after he took a dump in a crowded venue bathroom during a concert, sources report.
“That shit was the most terrifying ordeal of my life, so it feels good to be recognized for it,” Meszka said. “I went to see Goatwhore and quickly realized I shouldn’t have eaten that Wendy’s Baconator immediately before the show. The one bathroom they had was horrible, with three urinals next to one stall that had a broken lock. The entire time I was shitting, these metalheads kept coming in and remarking on the smell, and one super drunk guy even rattled the side of the stall while screaming ‘whoo, Goatwhore!’ over and over. It was such a dreadful experience where I had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but I feel like I’m better for having gone through it.”
Ceremony spectator Brendan Durant reacted to the story with a mixture of admiration and horror.
“That is the bravest man I have ever seen,” Durant mentioned as he wiped a tear from his eye. “I have found myself in a situation several times where I had to shit while in a crowded venue, but I could never bring myself to even consider it, and once I even left a no-reentry Mastodon show so I could rush home to use my own bathroom. While I certainly find Mr. Meszka to be a source of inspiration, I’m still not sure if I can follow in his footsteps. Some people are just born with the bravery required for that action, and unfortunately I don’t think I can count myself among those ranks.”
Historian Jasmine Irvine provided her expertise on Meszka’s story.
“I wrote my dissertation on citizen courage throughout American history, and there’s not a single example I can cite that tops this,” Irvine revealed. “I just completed a case study about a guy who ran into a burning apartment building to save his boyfriend’s cat, but even an action that daring and heroic pales in comparison to dropping a deuce in a filthy venue restroom while surrounded by drunk strangers. I predict that this act of valor will be spoken of by future generations for centuries to come.”
At press time, Meszka further demonstrated his fearlessness when he took a shit on the plane ride back to his home.