MONTREAL — Electro-funk duo Chromeo announced that they will be swapping out their long-legged keyboards’ signature heels for Dansko clogs, which are considered the gold standard in ergonomic footwear, shocked sources report.
“In the early years of Chromeo, I’m embarrassed to say we were totally caught up in the aesthetics of romance. We thought females enjoyed expensive jewelry, ‘hot dinner in the candlelight,’ and generally pandering to the male gaze at all times,” said Chromeo singer and guitarist David “Dave 1” Macklovitch. “We saw our keyboards only as sexy finger candy and inanimate objects that didn’t experience pain, so we didn’t stop to consider their physical wellbeing. That changed when we decided to don high-heels ourselves for the ‘Juice’ music video. Those things really did a number on our feet. We realized if we couldn’t last a single day in stilettos, why would we expect our keyboards to endure them night by night? Seduction is ultimately about making someone feel good. And it turns out that those ugly-ass Dansko clogs feel amazing.”
Fans of the band are responding positively to news of the footwear change.
“It’s nice to see them evolving with the times. I started wearing Danskos and Crocs when I was like, 32,” said 40-year-old Chromeo devotee Rachel Bruder. “I always felt like those synths were being objectified. It’s about time Chromeo prioritized their comfort. And since they’re such style icons, I think this is going to make it more socially acceptable for the rest of us to rock out in rocker bottoms.”
Podiatrist Linda Droller noted that the orthopedic repercussions of high-heels are serious, and urged all genders and musical instruments to wear them minimally, if ever.
“In addition to bunions and plantar fasciitis, high-heels can throw off your gait and lead to more serious problems, like back pain, arthritis, and being called the ‘Carrie’ of the friend group,” Dr. Droller said. “Asking those poor keyboards to stand in heels at shows for hours on end was downright cruel. When a piano gets thrown out a window, it’s comedy, but when a keyboard’s legs give out onstage, it’s tragic. In the clogs, on the other hand, these ladies will be able to perform well into old age.”
At press time, Chromeo were trying hard to be supportive of the keyboards’ latest announcement: that they plan to stop shaving their legs.