BALTIMORE — British death metal titans Carcass are reportedly accepting cash, card, and medical specimens in exchange for merch at their live shows, mildly nauseated sources confirmed.
“This is a great opportunity for us to demonstrate our commitment to our image,” said frontman Jeff Walker. “We’ve been including gut-wrenching medical themes in our music for over 30 years now, and it just recently occurred to us to continue this approach in our merchandising. We’re Carcass, after all. Why shouldn’t we be accepting cerebrospinal fluid and sputum in lieu of cash? We’ve even replaced the earbuds in the plastic container on our table with medical tools our fans can use to extract their specimens.”
Concert attendee Ally Yeager expressed delight at the group’s new policy, and didn’t hesitate to avail herself of the opportunity.
“I almost completely exhausted my available funds on my ticket to tonight’s show, thanks to those bullshit Ticketmaster fees,” Yeager offered while rolling up her sleeve in anticipation of the upper-arm tissue sample she was planning on exchanging for a t-shirt. “When I saw that they’re now selling long sleeves with the uncensored ‘Symphonies of Sickness’ artwork, it was a no-brainer. They even have a little bottle of hand sanitizer that I can use to clean this scalpel before I start digging into my flesh. This is fucking awesome!”
Band manager Andre McNeal was decidedly less enthused about the new undertaking.
“This is all well and good for the fans who no longer have to shell out 25 bucks for a shirt,” McNeal sighed while donning a fresh pair of latex gloves. “But you really can’t overstate just how much of a hassle it’s going to be to lug these specimens from city to city. This is the first date of our North American tour, and our bus is already filling up with stool samples and vials of blood. Christ, I don’t think the band has even considered our Toronto and Montreal dates. How the hell are we supposed to cross the border with all of this? I’m all for the guys in the band getting creative with our merch sales, but I wish they’d cleared this with me first.”
At press time, fans were being drawn to co-headliner Deicide’s nearby merch table, which was offering a 20% discount to anyone willing to brand an upside-down crucifix into their forehead.