HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The Butthole Surfers were harassed today by territorial surf locals that were reportedly trying to keep their favorite butt breaks secret, confirmed sources who have been searching for the best buttocks-friendly waves for years.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Butthole Boogie Boarders trying to bogart our bodacious butt breaks, well you boys better get back on whatever pussyhorse you rode in on because the Bay of Bungholes belongs to us and we don’t like outsiders,” said local surfer Kai Willows. “I know every baby-smooth swell like the back of my own ass, so if you get in our way the only thing you’ll be surfing is your adult diapers back at the old folks home.”
Butthole Surfers singer Gibby Haynes said the band was not intimidated by the surf gang.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re a first-time taint tickler or the baddest badonkadonk bomber this side of TaHeinie, everyone deserves a fair shot at parting these mighty waves for a little hang tenalingus,” said Haynes while demonstrating proper butthole surfing form. “We’ve been into rear-end watersports since these dingleberries were in pampers, and I know a posterior poser when I see one. Besides, you can’t own a fine fartbox beach like this any more than you can own an independent worm saloon.”
Local Mark Barker was reportedly so inspired by the band that he immediately grabbed his board and took up butthole surfing.
“Seeing those old guys stand up to those bullies gave me the courage I needed to buy a board, get out there on the waves, and grab the starfish by the chocolate,” said Barker. “Feeling that rusty dusty spray on my face, the calm before the mud flaps barrel over you—the pink eye is a small price to pay for the freedom to surf these bootylicious breaks.”
At press time, the Butthole Surfers reportedly called Pee Pee the Sailor for backup after the tushie turf war reached defcon fanny.