AUSTIN, Texas — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan left his recent interview on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast convinced that the world is a flat vampire, baffled sources confirmed.
“I don’t know how I never saw it before, but it’s so obvious now. I’ve always known the world is a vampire because it just sucks us all dry, but now I question all the science that makes us believe the world is a sphere. But I guess that means the vampire must also be flat. I’ve gotta tell James Iha, we need to follow up ‘Aghori Mhori Mei’ with a concept album about Flat Vampire Theory,” said a bleary-eyed Corgan. “Joe really opened my eyes to the true nature of the world, and I’m starting to think that the star nymph on the cover of ‘Mellon Collie’ never landed on the moon, either.”
Host Joe Rogan continued to explain Flat Vampire Theory despite the interview being long over.
“Have you ever seen a vampire? Of course not, because they operate on a two-dimensional plane of existence, man, that’s why we can’t observe them. Jamie, pull up a picture of a vampire,” said Rogan, unaware that Jamie left hours ago. “See? The vampire on the TV doesn’t even cast a shadow, proving it’s flat. It really makes you think about what else we don’t know about the supernatural world. Like when a werewolf transforms, does his human hog turn into a little red dog dick or what? I gotta text Billy about that one.”
Smashing Pumpkins superfan Ben Johnson was struggling to wrap his head around the ramifications of the two-dimensional revelation.
“I’m just left with so many questions now, I always thought the ‘vampire’ was a metaphor for the system draining the life out of the masses. But there’s an actual vampire, and he’s…the flat Earth?” said a puzzled Johnson, examining the liner notes of his copy of “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.” “If the sadness is infinite,I’m not ever sure how there can be any other emotions anymore. Is there room left in the universe for rage, despite being a rat in a cage? And what the fuck was the deal with that song on the Batman & Robin Soundtrack?”
At press time, Johnson’s family had an intervention after discovering a conspiracy corkboard filled with red yarn connecting “Zwan” conspiracies.