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Barista Unaware Frequent Customer Has Three Albums Worth of Pop-Punk Songs About Her

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Busy Bean Café barista Zeynab Polykarpos is reportedly unaware that pop-punk frontman and frequent customer Johnny Saunders has penned more than three full-length albums worth of material about her over the last several years, weirded out sources report.

“It all started four years ago, when [Saunders] ran into the practice space with a giant notebook full of stuff about aprons and muffins and stuff,” explained The Pizza Pie’oneers drummer Melissa Runnymede. “He had these songs called, ‘When Our Fingers Touched,’ and ‘Misspell My Name… Again’ — they were all about these shallow interactions with some girl he barely knew. I don’t know. They were kind of creepy, but it’s pop-punk, so it was still a perfect fit.”

The four-piece has thus far released three albums about Saunders’ encounters with the part-time barista. The most recent, Friendly Smiles Expose Yellow Teeth, has been self-described as “an album for those who’ve met someone who left a permanent stain on their heart that no amount of uninsured dental cleaning can remove.”

“I mean… [I’m] not too crazy about the subject matter, but this is the closest thing to a successful band I’ll probably ever be in, so I’m just gonna roll with it,” Runnymede added. “Sometimes I’m tempted to show this girl these songs, but I guess high school kids who’ve never experienced love can’t get enough of this empty shit, so, whatever.”


Busy Bean floor manager Aidan DiGiovanni was seemingly surprised by the adoring frontman’s extensive material, claiming he’s “pretty sure she has no idea who the fuck that guy even is.”

“Wow. That boy is obsessed,” a jittery DiGiovanni said. “Now that I think about it, he doesn’t come in unless he sees [Polykarpos] working. Sometimes he’ll sit and order six coffees, just giving her his name and order over and over again. I think I heard her call him the ‘Half-Caf Creep’ once, but that’s about it.”

While Saunders allegedly has no plans to formally introduce himself to Polykarpos, he did confirm “his love for her is real,” pointing to his frequent heart palpitations and sweating when in her presence.