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Band Undecided on Who This Next One Goes out To

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Audience and band members alike were confused last night when punk band Lieutenant couldn’t decide to whom to dedicate one of their songs, restless sources confirmed.

“They obviously ran out of people [to dedicate songs to],” reported scene legend Bobbi Bonaccorsi. “They huddled in front of the drums for what seemed like an eternity. It reminded me of when a pitcher is getting pulled out of a baseball game, but more pissed off.”

Witnesses claim previous songs were dedicated to everyone from the grandmothers of the four band members, to “the bartender with the lazy eye,” to “that guy right there — no, you, with the flannel.” “One song went out to anyone who had bought their demo tape using cash,” said audience member Desta Patton. “Another was specifically dedicated to lefties. And I’m pretty sure at least one song went out to a childhood pet I assume is long-deceased.”

Band members were allegedly bickering backstage before the show while workshopping and editing their dedication list.

“It looked like they were arguing over their setlist, but apparently they were just writing down and crossing out names on several sheets of paper,” said venue manager Enriquo Petrovski. “One guy had an old phone book open and just wrote down as many names as possible. I don’t understand. If you don’t have a friend to shout out, just play the dang song.”

Some witnesses admit they were relieved Lieutenant didn’t dedicate a song to them specifically.


“I don’t need to be shouted out for no reason. There are only like 15 people here anyway, and nobody is taking notes,” said merch guy Edgar Garnett. “At this point, I’m more honored to be part of the few who haven’t had a song go out to them.”

Ultimately, Lieutenant’s set went 15 minutes over their allotted time. The headliner went on to shout out every band on the show other than Lieutenant.

Photo by Kat Chish