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Band Nervous to Go On Awkward First Tour Together

PHILADELPHIA — Preparing for a weeklong string of concerts, members of indie-rock band The Soaps admitted on Thursday they are “super nervous” and “can’t stop sweating” over what they expect to be an awkward first tour, according to sources close to the band.

“I really want [The Soaps] to work out. I’ve been in and out of shitty bands for years. And, look — I’m 35. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in another group with the potential to make it,” said drummer Andrew Meera, applying deodorant to his underarms for the first time in a decade. “I want this to be special.”

After quitting his previous project in 2003, bassist Alex Tracy, 31, revealed he felt like he’s been “out of the game” for far too long. “It’s 2016. A lot has changed since the last time I was in a band. Like, who should pay for gas?” he asked. “When Andrew unloads his drums, should I hold the trunk open for him? Should I bring Flowers, the Rolling Stones singles compilation CD? Is that corny?”

“What if the house we played asks if we need a place to crash?” he added. “I don’t think I’m ready to sleep next to each other on some basement floor. A hotel room? Maybe. If they have enough pillows so we can build walls between us, that would be good.”


Rich Kay, the 38-year-old guitarist and lead singer, was reportedly over-analyzing every detail of the travel schedule while coordinating the six-day trip. “Should we drive and then have our first show? Or should we have our first show nearby, and then drive?” he asked rhetorically. “I’ve heard to do the latter, so there’s something to talk about during the five hours to Pittsburgh.”

“But, get this — on our way home, I planned it perfectly. We’ll catch the sunset from the Ben Franklin Bridge as we get back to Philly,” he added. “Everyone will definitely want a second tour after that.”

Only 12 years old on his first tour, band friend and veteran merch guy, 42-year-old Mark Domino, offered experienced advice to The Soaps. “Be cool, relax, and be yourself,” he said reassuringly. “Just make sure you bring protection — renters insurance is crucial for your gear, because if the van gets robbed, you’ll be covered, and won’t have to pay for all your shit over the next 18 years.”

Article by Daniel Louis @_daniellouisPhoto by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.