Press "Enter" to skip to content

Band Member With Kid Subtly Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Merch Table

ALTOONA, Pa. — Anthony Spengler, the drummer for the hardcore band Unabashed, cleared off half of the band’s usual merch of T-shirts, buttons, and barely legible patches last night to make room for three dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies, reported crumb-covered fans.

“It’s cookie season, and my daughter isn’t going to get beat by fucking Jessica fucking Powers just because her dad peddles gluten-free Toffee-Tastics at his boring ass office job all day,” Spengler growled, sorting the boxes by flavor profile while more shirts fell to the floor. “I’ll crowd-punch a Caramel deLite into a motherfucker’s mouth if I have to — it’s what any good dad would do for his little girl.”

Spengler was allegedly out in the lobby during sound check, shaking boxes at fans and insisting that the venue had a “two Peanut Butter Patties” box minimum.

“He’s been pulling this shit for weeks — he didn’t even bring his drum kit, so he could fit more cookies in the van. It’s one thing when he brought in matching Brownie Scout vests for us to wear… which, I admit, looked pretty badass once we ripped ‘em up and added our own patches,” explained vocalist Shawn Terries. “But trying to change the lyrics of our song about Adderall addiction to ‘I wanna die, you lift me up/just like a crispy Lemon-Up’ took it too far.”

Despite the band’s disagreements, they still played a full set, leaving Spengler’s daughter Nikki to watch over the merch table.

“I couldn’t help sell earlier because I was fixing the amp after Shawn kicked it over. These limp-dick dingdongs are lucky I have my Entertainment Tech and First Aid badges,” Nikki said, sliding a box of Lemonades across the bar in exchange for a double Shirley Temple. “They wouldn’t last a day on a Daisy Trail Adventure. And I don’t know who is running the sound in this place, but the vocals are way too low in the mix and the bass sounds muddy as fuck.”

Following the show, members of Unabashed called an emergency meeting after Spengler learned his wife just became a representative for a multi-level marketing company promoting all-natural beauty products.