NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second loop from Knocked Loose’s “Counting Worms.”
“We thank Sarah for the decades of letting us use her music, but our shelters have been filling up and our officers of the board have been getting really into hardcore with a dash of metalcore,” said Scott Thiel, Chairperson of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “An intern has been bugging me to check out Knocked Loose for months now, and when I first heard the ‘ARF ARF’ in ‘Counting Worms,’ I knew it was time to switch things up. Adoptions are up, and that doesn’t include the many, many more new applicants we are denying due to failed background checks and/or sniff checks.”
Almost overnight, the typical demographics of potential adopters shifted towards a younger, more aggressive type of pet owner.
“First of all, ‘Angel’ never made sense as an ASPCA tie-in since multiple popes have declared that animals do not have souls. So how would they become angels?” asked Lyle Powers, former snake guy turned current dog person. “That song just never made me want to throw down and mosh like a maniac. On the contrary- it was a huge bummer. But Knocked Loose? Me and my husky pug mix will see you and your high anxiety mutt in the pit.”
Members of Knocked Loose found themselves struggling with their newfound fame.
“Our streaming numbers are way up and tickets are selling faster than ever, but it’s a lot of elderly people who still watch commercials on TV and want us to autograph a picture of their corgi,” admitted Knocked Loose bassist Kevin Otten. “I came dangerously close to overdosing on lemon squares last night backstage during our show in Burlington. I keep wondering if this is the tipping point. I’m afraid of ‘Counting Worms’ relegating us to the status of one-hit wonder, since it’s easily our catchiest tune. I just don’t want to become another VH1 True Hollywood Story, if they even make those anymore.”
Anonymous sources indicate that a furious McLachlan has hired Kurt Ballou to produce her next album which will feature multiple diss tracks about Knocked Loose.