NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, sources confirmed.
“When my doctor said I gotta pay outta pocket for some funky sleep hookah so I don’t die of snorin’, I was like, ‘LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!’ I don’t got that kinda loot! So me, my horsie, and a quart of beer are gonna have-ta stick up a Fifth Third Bank to afford it,” Duffy shouted while slapping bongos in the waiting room of a sleep disorder clinic. “I’m in the prime of my late 50s! I should be out there mackin’ on girlies and drinkin’ brews! Besides, I’m still makin’ layaway payments on the ‘Paul’s Boutique’ anniversary edition, so I’m not in a position to absorb unexpected medical bills.”
When questioned about his roommate’s sleep apnea, Jason “J-Rock” Jacobs took a bong rip and laughed at a poster on the opposite wall.
“This whole CRAB machine changed Seth. We used to party after a hard day of gettin’ people to sign our petition to free Tibet. Now, he stops breathing in his sleep several times an hour,” Jacobs grumbled while lighting a stick of Nag Champa. “I’m usually a pacifist, but maybe Luigi Mangione had the right idea. If those insurance companies are so rich, why aren’t they payin’ for Seth’s thing? And while they’re at it, they should pick up our tab from Scores Gentlemen’s Club, too. I’ve never had insurance, but I’m sure Anthem is good for a couple-a ten, twelve trips to the boom-boom room.”
When asked about Duffy’s claim, pro-bono lawyer Jamie Johnson rolled her eyes and pulled out a large, marijuana-scented case file.
“My client may be living in 1996, but that doesn’t mean Anthem can deny the CPAP machine Mr. Duffy recently purchased at an army surplus store. Sure, Mr. Duffy’s voicemail is full, he doesn’t reply to emails sent to [email protected], and every medical form is covered in Funyun dust,” Ms. Johnson said while sanitizing the folder. “But Anthem is legally-bound to cover $39.67 of the $112.32 he spent at Ralph’s Military Surplus and Smoke Shop for medical expenses. I believe the company is discriminating against my client because his name is legally spelled in bubble graffiti letters.”
At press time, Mr. Duffy is also involved in a separate fight for his right to be prescribed mushrooms and free tickets to Bonaroo with his general practitioner.