25. Greeley Estates “Let the Evil Go East” (2008)
Greeley Estates toes the line between post-hardcore and metalcore. If your future neighbors in your assisted living situation can’t handle post-hardcore, they sure as shit won’t be on board with anything remotely resembling a breakdown.
24. Funeral for a Friend “Streetcar” (2005)
When you’re young, being ageist is cool as shit. But when you’re old, it just means you’re going to get a lot of side-eyes when you put on Funeral for a Friend. Ageism primarily sucks when it happens to me specifically.
23. Scary Kids Scaring Kids “Faces” (2007)
Just picture it: The time is 4:00 p.m., you’re sitting down to dinner, you put on your favorite Scary Kids Scaring Kids song to pair with the meal, and everyone in the community dining room slowly switches seats to one farther away. Life as an 80-year-old post-hardcore fan is just as difficult as it sounds.
22. From First to Last “Featuring Some of Your Favorite Words” (2004)
It’s common knowledge that the singer of this band went on to become Skrillex, but that doesn’t mean you should think about finally kicking off your DJ career at the age of 78. Or maybe you should. Who the fuck cares. You’re just going to die one day. Probably next week.
21. Dance Gavin Dance “Caviar” (2008)
The singer of Deftones makes an appearance on this track, so you can listen to this song at the nursing home and get nostalgic for a time when Chino Moreno actually meant something in this country.
20. Silverstein “Your Sword Versus My Dagger” (2005)
It seems like all the senior citizens of today run for president or government office to pass the time. In the future, us old people will be more self-aware and just play Silverstein at the shuffleboard court at a 10.
19. Finch “What It Is To Burn” (2002)
You’re going to ask your future nursing home friends if they like Finch. Only they’ll think you’re talking about the North American bird that shares the same name because everyone over the age of 35 automatically gets into birding. They will be blissfully unaware that you’re talking about a band that only released three albums in past 25 years.
18. Chiodos “Baby, You Wouldn’t Last A Minute On The Creek” (2005)
This band was named after the Chiodo brothers, who were special effects artists responsible for “Killer Klowns From Outer Space,” “Critters,” and “Ernest Scared Stupid.” This is the kind of fact no one will appreciate in your old age. They didn’t in high school either. Weirdos.
17. The Sound of Animals Fighting “Act I: Chasing Suns” (2005)
Anthony Green was seemingly the Mike Patton of the aughts. Just straight up made super groups and called it a day. This is the kind of collaborative energy you should bring to your nursing home’s Tuesday walking club.
16. Hawthorne Heights “Saying Sorry” (2006)
Hawthorne Heights was on Victory Records before both parties started suing each other. A whole bunch of other bands sued Victory as well, which goes to show you that you should never trust authority, especially the nursing home staff who says you can’t blast Hawthorne Heights at 3:00 a.m.
15. Fugazi “Epic Problem” (2001)
Fugazi was essentially the first edition of post-hardcore and it has since evolved throughout the years. They didn’t make a lot of music in the 2000s and they likely won’t in the 2050s either. Lazy sacks of shit.
14. Hopesfall “Dead in Magazines” (2002)
It’s pretty clear that not enough people talk about Hopesfall as a unit. Especially in nursing homes. It’s like 85-year-olds have no respect for ingenuity in post-hardcore and this band’s ability to excel equally at both loud and quiet parts.
13. I Set My Friends On Fire “Things That Rhymes With Orange” (2008)
If any song was written to be played at full blast in a nursing home, it’s whatever is happening in this one. The intense schizophrenic screaming just pairs well with the video game-like keyboard and Friday night bingo you’ll be forced to attend if you crave social interaction.
12. BoySetsFire “After the Eulogy” (2000)
You should feel lucky that you’ve reached nursing home-level age and blast the politically driven BoySetsFire at full volume. The alternative is becoming a deep state-fearing, Fox News binge-watching, right-wing bootlicking curmudgeon. Really dodged a bullet.
11. Poison the Well “Lazzaro” (2002)
Playing Poison the Well at full volume in your nursing will just make the staff think you are in excruciating pain and in dire need of drugs. They will have no choice but to bust down your door only to find you in actual pain and in dire need of drugs. This is just how being old works.
10. The Fall of Troy “F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X.” (2005)
The Fall of Troy is technically proficient, globally tight, and hyper energetic. This band unfortunately won’t go over at all in your assisted living situation. Nothing will. Die already.
9. Alexisonfire “.44 Caliber Love Letter” (2002)
Good luck talking about how much you enjoy Alexisonfire in your future assisted living situation when your peers are just going to get hung up on the name. Listen, it’s “Alexis on fire,” not “Alex is on fire” or “A lex I son fire.” You freaks.
8. The Mars Volta “Inertiatic ESP” (2003)
The frantic drums, the tightly erratic guitar riffs, the unintelligible lyrics, that weird little keyboard that sounds like it’s walking up the same staircase over and over again, the gold decapitated head spewing light from its mouth on the cover. Hard to tell which of these to lead with in conversation with your future 80-year-old neighbor across the hall.
7. Thrice “Deadbolt” (2002)
You know that “sure, grandma, let’s get you to bed” meme? That’s going to be us talking about the importance of Thrice in a few short years. Or currently. Damn it.
6. Senses Fail “Bite to Break Skin” (2004)
When you’re young, getting old feels like it’s not going to happen to you. But then out of nowhere it does and it will become painstakingly obvious that you’re finally past your prime, which was presumably in your late 60s and hopefully not whenever you heard these post-hardcore songs for the first time.
5. Saosin “Seven Years” (2003)
If you’ve been counting, this is the third Anthony Green-based installment in this list. His angelic post-hardcore-friendly voice was just made for the enjoyment of future 70-year-olds.
4. Underoath “A Boy Brushed Red Living in Black and White” (2004)
Underoath consists of Christians but they are not a Christian band. But you’re Christian now simply because you are elderly. So Underoath probably makes more sense now. But they won’t make any sense to your peers. Can’t catch a break.
3. Thursday “Understanding in a Car Crash” (2001)
The first two snare hits alone are enough to knock the dementia out of all future 85 year olds. Science should be looking into the effects of Thursday on neurodegenerative diseases.
2. Glassjaw “Cosmopolitan Blood Loss” (2002)
What’s there to be said about Glassjaw that hasn’t already been said? Sure, your grandfather of today will have a look of bewilderment and disgust on his face if you put in this song. But in a few short years when we are all grandpas, this will be one of only 50 songs that matter to them.
1. At the Drive-In “One Armed Scissor” (2000)
If there was such a thing as the Mount Rushmore of post-hardcore, Cedric Bixler-Zavala and Omar Rodríguez-López would take up two of the face slots. The remaining ones would belong to everyone else on this list. Yes, this Mount Rushmore has a few dozen faces on it.
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