25. Count Dooku – Fisting
Count Dooku was a fisting enthusiast. He kept his gut microbiome particularly clean, anticipating a forearm lovingly jamming itself into his rectum on a regular basis. He ultimately just wanted to be sitting on a man’s shoulder, with an arm shoved all the way up inside of him, as if the fingers could reach his teeth. That explains the streaks of lube stains on his robe. And the fisting newsletters that pile up outside his home.
24. Yoda – French Maid Roleplay
What does the wisest creature in the galaxy need to unwind? A submissive game of French maid roleplay. With Yoda as the French maid, of course. He has his own outfit, complete with a feather boa and lacy frills at the edge of his cap. It’s known around the Dagobah system that the fine French silks and imports go towards “Yoda’s parties,” in which he cleans up the mess left by naked guests, invited from the highest levels of the galaxy.
23. Babu Frick – Sensory Deprivation
Babu may be tiny, but he loves disappearing completely into Bacchanalian realms of pleasure. Whether it’s noise-canceling headphones or a soft blindfold, Babu Frick wants to remove as many senses as possible. Luckily this is often achievable by simply duct taping him to any surface he finds himself near.
22. Wampa – Orgasm Control
The cave-bound Wampa is an edgelord. That doesn’t mean he spouts hot takes on podcasts. That specifically means he severely restricts his orgasms until the last moment. Even hearing the words “orgasm denial” make his many thick, matted hairs stand up. Hey, you gotta pass the time somehow while stranded on Hoth.
21. Moff Gideon – Somnophilia
Also known as an attraction to “sleeping beauties.” Loaded with an intense self-hatred, Moff Gideon has an ideal sexual partner: one practically dead, with their eyes closed, unable to observe his hideous form (exacerbated by body dysmorphia). He would never make advances towards anyone actually asleep, but he requests partners (often sex workers, familiar with his requests) to lie absolutely still. This helps Moff Gideon feel less self-conscious as he fumbles through a harried intercourse.
20. C-3PO – Piss Play
Do androids dream of urophilia? Apparently! C-3PO keeps his love of urine quiet, remaining miraculously untarnished despite years of urine streaming down his metal throat. If you want unlimited knowledge of the universe, simply offer to pee on him. After giving him a golden shower, you’ll be hearing pleasure through six million forms of communication.
19. Greedo – Pudding
The eternal question for all ‘Star Wars’ fans: did he come first or second? If you have a case of pudding, it will be first. Greedo would want to insert himself into that delicious gelatinous substance, rubbing it all over his green body. He slurps it up with that bizarre little snout of his. In fact, there is a standing order of Mos Eisley Cantina gathering dust, bought for a certain frequent Rodian guest.
18. Jawa – Family Incest Porn
Oh yeah, those beady little eyes just wanna watch their own progeny and familial relations deeply intertwined in an orgy. Limbs sweatily knotted, a literal Jawa family tree. What’s going on in that Sandcrawler, you ask? Kissing cousins. Nephews sitting on too many uncle’s laps. Mothers and daughters way too close for comfort, intimate brothers, sexy grandpaws and mee-maws: all blessedly kept under the shadow of those sack-like cloaks.
17. Mon Mothma – Wax Play
Make this Revolutionary figure riled up with delight by gently pouring hot wax all over her body. One of the few female characters of the original trilogy, this powerful military leader in the Rebel Alliance retires to the warmth of candles at night. Look closely at her nails, you’ll see bits of bunched wax beneath. There is release in submitting to possibly burning your own skin, especially after a long day dictating tactical orders against the Empire.
16. Obi Wan – Financial Dominance (FinDom)
Fun face: Obi Wan is loaded. Even more fun fact: he gets off on giving others access to his bank account. “Oh no, look at that – they can see everything!” he titters, a visible bump beneath the robe. “Now you’ll get to see the hives of scum and villainy where I spend my money!” When the sex workers ask for the password to his Bitcoin account, Obi Wan reflects: “Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”
15. Jabba the Hutt – Muckbang and Force Feeding
What did you think? Of course the nasty slave-trading scum wants to be force-fed until he vomits, or likewise: ply food into a prisoner’s mouth. His preference? Cupcakes and buffalo wings. Jabba’s browsing history is basically muckbang videos of every variety. Watching the Rancor eat prisoner after prisoner is an ideal Sunday afternoon for Jabba.
14. Bossk – Scat Play
Roll around in questionable mud, get yourself nice and dirty with Bossk. He’ll chase you around the house, squealing and hollering about how much he wants to just cover you in his own shit. In fact, he has his own “shit play” room. It smells horrible. This is why he’s one of the least-popular bounty hunters, nobody wants to hear his stories about how hot it was shitting on a droid.
13. Bib Fortuna – Latex and Nylon Fetish
Under that dark blue cape? Bib Fortuna is covered in latex, lovingly stroked by the fleshy tentacles protruding from his head. Bib is highly sensory, which means he prefers his partners to also be in skin-tight latex. The squeaking sound is the best part, echoing all over the chambers of Jabba’s palace.
12. Boba Fett – Vomit Fetish
The feel of warm vomit in Boba Fett’s mask is the only option left for arousing this tired Mandalorian. This happened entirely by accident, but he chose the route of embracing the pain, accepting the humiliation, and admitting that his own vomit was damn sexy. Much like he was regurgitated by the Sarlacc Pit, Boba wants to hear them stinky belches. Most of his encounters aren’t penetrative, he just wants to see mama vom.
11. Dengar – Tentacle Stuff
Nobody really wants to talk to Dengar. He’s just slightly gross. And he absolutely never shuts up about how great tentacle porn is. All of the other bounty hunters avoid him, it always circles back to erotic tentacle content. Wonder what’s underneath those headwraps? Tentacle porn magazines, plus disembodied tentacles from Lord knows where.
10. Qui-Gon Jinn – Cake Farts
You read that correctly: the stoic Jedi master is obsessed with cake farts. He wants to settle his withering gray ass whiskers onto a fat, creamy cake and spout out frosting with a fart heard round the galaxy. Padwans swap stories of his most notorious cake farts. Around campfires, some disciples still question: was it the force of the fart propelling those cake chunks, or was it the Force itself?
9. BB-8 – Balloons
It’s fairly straightforward here: BB-8 is attracted to balloons for their similar shape. In fact, a cluster of balloons to him is just an orgy. Any birthday party he attends makes him instantly horny, zipping up walls to fuck decorative rubber filled with helium. Bummer that his encounters always end in heartbreak: BB-8 accidentally pops every romantic balloon partner he winds up with.
8. Kylo Ren – Sex with Ghosts
Kylo’s powers of perception go beyond our earthly realm. While trying to contact his father, he encountered a particularly sexy realm of ghosts. Kylo Ren is actually in a polyamorous situationship with multiple ghostly apparitions, usually appearing at a fireside celebration or funeral, briefly stepping away from the bedroom fracas. Fortunate that these are ghosts, since no one else particularly wants to spend time with him.
7. Princess Leia – Ursusagalmatophilia
How do you explain the hairstyle? The side buns? It’s simple: Princess Leia is turned on by teddy bears. This interest is known as “teddy bear play” and it’s adjacent to furries. The loss of her home planet left a “Rosebud”-style childhood yearn, only tickled by erotic plush sensations of teddy bears against her skin. This would also explain why she is attracted to Han: it’s really to objectify his Wookie sidekick. Han hates wearing the teddy bear suit, but it’s the only way to get the Princess to finish.
6. General Grievous – Zoophilia
Never get stuck in a conversation with General Grievous. Next thing you know, you’re watching a video on his phone of a farmer trying to insert himself into a tauntaun. Interspecies animal fucking is of particular interest for the General, his wheezing growing excited around four-legged creatures. It’s honestly so gross, avoid talking to him at all costs. The multiple arms means he can show you four videos at the same time of ‘Jackass’ style love-making with a bantha.
5. Jar Jar Binks – Pregnancy
It’s a well known fact across the galaxy that Jar Jar only bones down with pregnant women. “Issa double da woman! Iss more, iss more!” he shouts, joyously bouncing up and down, making round gestural indications and smacking his lips. Jar Jar wants to hear the baby kick before hitting that, it’s an entire ritual with him. This is a fact you probably could’ve gone your whole life without learning about, but now we’re all in the same boat together.
4. Anakin – Acrotomophilia
Lord Vader is such a little titular freak, he’s listed twice. Losing his limbs led Anakin to grow a profound interest in the subtle smooth round qualities of knubs. When out of his supportive suit, he imagines himself being picked up like the pockmarked smooth body of a Mr. Potato Head (sans detachable parts) and fucked with cold, cruel abandon, preferably with his partner on the high ground. He craves it, the limbless baddie. Turns out amputee porn is incredibly popular across the galaxy, after years and years of warfare.
3. Maz Kanata – Pony Play
Being a bit of a “horse girl” in her youth, Maz’s equine interests have persisted in the form of pony play. She will be your naughty pony. And good news on the horizon! She’s seeking a groomer. Let Maz Kanata neigh and whinny for you. She may be centuries old, but she just wants to have her mane (and other certain parts) lovingly stroked while being fed a carrot.
2. Watto – CBT (Cock & Ball Torture)
Watto lives for cock and ball torture. After a long day of work in the dusty marketplace, he joyously welcomes high heels stepping on his nether regions. He wants to be trampled on, squeezed, tortured and wrecked. Did you know his wings give a little flutter and his floppy nose blares like a soggy trumpet when he orgasms? Stomp on his balls, and you’ll find out.
1. Uncle Owen – Quicksand Fetish
Luke’s uncle has been on Tatooine a long time. A long, long time. The sand does funny things to a man. Sometimes that mirage in the distance features multiple lithe bodies struggling against the pull of gravity, the clinging sand, the speedy tug of topsoil. And Uncle Owen finds that all hot. Incredibly hot. So fucking hot. He has actually requested bespoke mail-order XXX content from a boutique video service, paying for “hours of quicksand porn” (a sizable expense out of his farm’s monthly earnings). But in the end, it’s all worth it to see the hot infirm ground swallow up a naked body, even if it is dirt-cheap Jawa porn. As his nephew Luke might say, “May the fetish be with you.”
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