Christmas is almost here, which means it’s time to get together and connect with the people nearest and dearest to you. No, not your family, that sounds like a stressful nightmare. We mean the people that you have sex with, and the people that they have sex with, and so on and so fourth a few levels down.
Come all ye faithful, ye nesting partners, ye doms, ye subs, ye full-time cosplayers, ye puppy play enthusiasts, ye metas, ye vees, ye relationship anarchists, ye cute barista we met a few weeks ago who promised to keep an open mind and all the rest! Gather round the metaphorical kitchen table and let’s all watch a holiday movie together, and then, you know, probably split off and screw. But which Christmas classic should you go with this year?
We’ve compiled the top 50 Christmas movies of all time and ranked them by how well they’ll play with your diverse and ever-growing polycule!
50. A Christmas Story (1983)
That’s right, dead last. This “holiday classic” is hot garbage and we never want to see it again no matter what the situation or context. Oh, does that make you angry? Are we ruining your childhood? By all means, sound off in the comments and boost our engagement! Just don’t try to get us to watch it again, we’ll shoot our eyes out!
49. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Oh, Chevy Chase. Doesn’t his aloofness remind you of your own dad? Yeah, well, pretty sure no one in your sex club wants to think about their dad. Pass.
48. A Charlie Brown Christmas( 1965)
Everyone loves the Vince Guaraldi Trio, but nobody likes Peanuts. People forget every few years and to everyone’s detriment. Unless your kink is being depressed and bored out of your mind, skip this one and just add the soundtrack to your playlist.
47. Christmas In Connecticut (1945)
Come on, you’re trying too hard. It’s called kitchen table poly, not full-on 1950s nuclear family poly. We know today is all about “the family you made along the way” but ya’ll fuck. Calm down.
46. The Polar Express (2004)
It’s the least boomer-vanity-centric collaboration between Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis, so, uhm, that’s something.
45. Babes in Toyland (1986)
Possibly the least sexy thing with Keanu Reeves in it.
44. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Show us a polycule without at least one crafts-goth and we’ll show you an eight-way hookup with no long-term sustainability. If your tribe is the real deal, at least one of you is going to be lobbying hard for this one every year, so why not throw them a bone, or should we say, a Jack Skellington? The movie’s over-arching theme of “Hey weirdos, stay in your lane!” won’t jive with you 100%, but don’t read too much into things, it’s Christmas!
43. Gremlins (1984)
Joe Dante’s “Gremlins” is a stone-cold holiday classic, and a great choice for your polycule’s holiday movie because it’s all about following rules and the consequences for breaking those rules! The terms you and your nesting partner, dom, subs, metas, and pups have agreed to are probably a lot more complicated than “Don’t eat after midnight,” but the message resonates all the same.
42. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
If you’re looking to pair Holiday cheer with undeniable pansexual charisma, look no further than character actor Jim Varney!
41. Jack Frost (1998)
Featuring Henry Rollins in his most festive movie cameo since “Johnny Mnemonic!”
40. Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
With a title as bold as “Santa Claus: The Movie” expectations are high, and this movie never quite meets them. It’s got the Big Lebowski as Santa, the Trinity killer from “Dexter” as the bad guy, and the dude who trained Rocky as an elf? This thing is a mess. Still, its overall theme of love winning out over consumerism in the holiday season is warming and important, especially when you’re fucking like 9 people. You would go broke buying high-end gifts for that many partners!
39. Holiday Affair (1949)
Yeah, we did this one last year. It’s not as steamy as it sounds.
38. It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
This timeless holiday tale about how important one individual life can be is heartwarming but loses some punch when you’re fucking like a dozen people. “Can you imagine if Jeff was never born? I guess I would wind up, uhm… fucking Dave and Brittany more often?” Eh.
37. A Christmas Carol (1951)
Everyone says this version is a classic, but there’s no muppets and no Bill Murray, so like, what’s the point? Without either of those things, this movie is not sexy at all, avoid.
36. Miracle On 34th Street (1947)
“Here you go your honor, 26 Christmas cards all addressed to my sexual partners. How about a tax break?”
35. Frosty The Snowman (1969)
It’s an absolute classic, but if you’re polycule has a top hat person in it, and studies show over 20% do, you’ll want to avoid this one at all costs. Speaking personally, I can confirm there is no magic in my metamour’s dusty old “Look at me I go to Burning Man” hat, and the last thing that person needs is vindication.
34. A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)
A VHS copy of this movie would be a welcome addition to The Island of Misfit Toys. It is an oddity, to say the least. At first, you’ll be transfixed by the strangeness. Who are these dinosaur hosts? Why is the Hunchback of Notre Damn in a Christmas special? Is this supposed to be religious? But then the California Raisis start singing, and you’re like “Wait, have I seen this before?” As a person drawn to the polyamory lifestyle, potentially drudging up repressed memories on Christmas day isn’t a gamble you wanna take.
33. White Christmas (1954)
It’s considered one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Still, that title, it’s a little hard to swallow in 2023. The cast does little to dispel the negative connection. Unless you’ve got serious song and dance people in tow, maybe skip “White Christmas.”
32. Scrooged (1988)
Even Bill Murray agrees that Bill Murray comes off as way too much of a dick in this movie, but that just makes the payoff of his speech at the end all the more sweet. It’s like edging but with the Christmas spirit.
31. The Nutcracker (1993)
Poly people come in two varieties—those who earnestly enjoy the pageantry and ballet of “The Nutcracker,” and those who still childishly chuckle at the name “Nutcracker.” There simply is no middle ground, but that’s okay, everyone will enjoy this on some level, and that’s all you want.
30. Tokyo Godfathers (2003)
Poly and anime, they go together like peanut butter and a thing most people who also like peanut butter are way too into.