Since the ‘70s, Jim Henson’s Muppetts have been tasked with providing that rare breed of high-quality four-quadrant comedy that the whole family can truly enjoy. It’s a tall order, and therefore, it’s no surprise that so many of them turn to the world of hardcore bondage and sadomasochism for release.
While any person or puppet should be free to explore their sexuality in privacy, time and time again America’s favorite anthropomorphic entertainers have pushed the boundaries of the taboo all the way to the front page. While seeing them on their variety show or in one of their various films is a delight, as soon as you see one on the news you know you’re about to hear about yet another drug-fuelled sex club-related arrest.
So which one of Henson’s whimsical creations has the most deplorable proclivities? We’ve crunched the data and ranked the Muppetts by the number of times their run-ins with the law at sex clubs have made headlines:
25. Statler and Waldorf
Statler and Waldorf have never been arrested at a sex club, but that doesn’t mean they’re strangers to the scene. If you’ve got a verbal humiliation kink, these silver Daddies are the best in the business.
24. Lew Zealand
You can cook one, you can eat one, you can throw one like a boomerang, but there are some things you just can’t do with a fish without someone calling the authorities. You’re Lew Zealand pal, not Led Zeppelin, show a little restraint!
23. The Swedish Chef
When your safeword is “Sher ber guurv” it’s only a matter of time before things go south, especially when half the shit you say sounds like some variation of that. An intoxicated Swedish Chef was arrested after verbally berating a dominatrix for stopping too much at a BDSM club called “Strings Attached” back in 1996.
22. Janice
She was arrested at an S&M club only once in 2003, having handcuffed herself to a radiator with “George W. Bush” written across her chest encouraging patrons to throw deli meat at her as a conceptual art piece protesting the war in Iraq.
21. Gene
In a highly publicized incident at an LA alternative lifestyle bar called Chompers, Gene was arrested for soliciting participants in what he called “Consensual cannibalism.” He is still awaiting trial and is currently in talks with Armie Hammer’s legal team.
20. Sweetums
He’s been arrested 4 times to date for harassment at alternative lifestyle clubs and bars, but not for sexual harassment. Sweetums goes there to preach the word of Christ to all the “poor sinners” and refuses to leave until he’s said his peace. Martyrdom is a kink too Sweetums, get off your high horse!
19. Rizzo the Rat
As anyone who has been to one knows, BDSM clubs can be a hotbed for drug activity. Dealers know that most cops are too square to step foot into those places, and they become emboldened. But when 9 people wind up in the hospital on the same night because a rodent sold them a concoction of furniture varnish, bath salts and Sudafed he tried to pass off as club drugs, police will take notice.
18. Floyd Pepper
He’s been arrested at alternative lifestyle clubs on numerous occasions, allegedly all due to incidents involving a severe scatological fetish, though it’s rumored that’s just a cover to mask the fact that he’s massively incontinent.
17. Zoot
It is estimated that 70% of people making a scene while being kicked out of sex clubs are dudes in bucket hats, and Zoot is no exception.
16. Scooter
BDSM clubs and kink events are supposed to be a safe and consensual space to explore desires that square society considers indecent, but there’s no safe and consensual way to practice the shit Scooter is into. His fetish for getting subs hooked on cocaine and becoming their sugar daddy is simply deplorable, a fact which he has been told at many a nightclub that he has refused to leave until he gets dragged away in handcuffs.
15. Bobo the Bear
Sexually Bobo identifies as an otter, despite being a bear. It’s confusing and has led to more than a few arguments at BDSM clubs. Throw a little alcohol in the mix the paws start flying and it’s just a mess.
14. Crazy Harry
There’s the safe way to practice fire play and then there’s the way Harry does it. It’s almost as if his kink is being arrested for reckless endangerment.
13. Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth cultivates the mystique of The Electric Mayhem very carefully. Just look at the various videos of him being dragged out of sex clubs in handcuffs. Look at how good his hair looks under that perfectly placed black leather spiked top hat. And isn’t it curious that the clubs always wind up dropping the charges as soon as the media frenzy dies down? These arrests are 100% staged so that the good doctor can maintain his dangerous bad-boy image. In real life, he’ll take a quiet night in reading early Russian literature over a spanking any day.
12. Lips
Never go to a sex club with a guy named “Lips,” you’re just asking for trouble.
11. Miss Piggy
If you thought she was abusive towards Kermit, you should see what this hog gets up to on a Saturday night. Mistress Piggy is one of the cruelest and most sadistic kinksters in the United States, specializing in financial domination, hoof worship (receiving), and erotic karate chops. She delights in bringing powerful men (and frogs) to their knees, and she can seriously fly off the handle when a client does something to displease her, like bringing her the wrong flowers or failing to arrive with their remote control vibrating anal beads inserted and ready. These meltdowns have been featured on TMZ many times.
10. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
You can do a lot at a BDSM club but one thing you can’t do is saw out a bunch of drywall and fuck with the wiring, even if you are “just conducting an experiment to study the effects of high voltage current and verbal humiliation on my scrotum.”
9. Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf is a pet-play fetishist who has been arrested several times for paying doms to walk him around on a collar and leash in several public parks and family-friendly eateries. He has, however, never been convicted of a crime, on the technicality that he is, in fact, a dog.
8. Link Hogthrob
Not every club is cool with the diaper thing, read the fine print Link.
7. Fozzie Bear
If you think his jokes are bad, wait till you hear how he talks to women he assumes are sex workers at alternative nightclubs. You’re not fooling anyone with that “Put your hand up my ass” line Fozzie, we all know you’re not that kind of puppet. Waka waka!
6. Beauregard
A textbook voyeur, Beaureguard was always getting thrown out of BDSM clubs and kink events for violating the “no recording” policy, so he decided to take things a step further. Posing as a janitor he would infiltrate the establishments during off hours and install hidden cameras all over the place, including the restroom of course. Real sicko. Well the operation wound up getting expensive so naturally Beaureguard started selling the footage to the Russian mob, and that’s when he got in real trouble. He is currently believed to be in the witness protection program, though it’s hard to say how effective that is. He’s Beauregard, people are going to know he’s not “John Smith.”
5. Kermit the Frog
It ain’t easy being green, especially when you’re constantly getting bad press for being arrested masturbating at porno theaters. Now to be clear, it’s our opinion that vice sting operations at porno theaters are a complete waste of time and resources that should be going towards actual crime, that it’s a truly victimless crime, and that no one should be arrested for it. Still, the sheer number of times it’s happened to Kermit is baffling. It’s almost as if he can’t finish until he hears “Police, freeze!”
4. Beaker
The “Meep Meep” schtick really loses its charm once you’ve seen one of the countless videos of Beaker outside of a sex club shouting “Do you know who I am?! Do you know who the fuck I am?! I’m the Beaker mother fucker! You tell that whore the B-man said she just made a big mistake, a BIG mistake! Get that camera out of my face!”
3. Sam the Eagle
As the Muppet’s token conservative, Sam the Eagle has been arrested for altercations at deviant sex parlors on numerous occasions. Who could forget the time he was pulled over with a teenage trans sex worker and large quantities of crack cocaine in his car, just hours after appearing on Fox News to condemn the left’s lack of traditional values?
2. Animal
Animal just straight up gets arrested a lot, like pretty much anytime he goes out. His proximity to sex clubs during many of said arrests might honestly be a coincidence, but technically he comes in at #2.
1. Gonzo
No surprise here, Gonzo’s mugshot is taped up to the “Do not serve” wall in more lifestyle clubs than any living person or Muppet in the United States. You name it and he’s been arrested for it at a sex club—solicitation, possession, dealing, assault, the list goes on. His most frequent offense is bringing a live chicken named Camilla with him, a clear health code violation. What’s more troubling is that by all accounts Gonzo seems to be forcing the lifestyle onto his chicken, boasting “I’m the gas, she’s the breaks, but we make it work” in a recent viral interview.