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50 Spooky Tunes Ranked By How Quickly They Make Me Crap My Pants With Fear

Ah, Halloween. A holiday that’s all about bringing an equal amount of both joy and fear (though what’s scarier than gathering your extended family together for Thanksgiving, let’s be honest.) Whether you’re in it solely for the candy or you’re a true scream queen, there’s no denying that the music of the season brings a certain ambience that is undeniable. So here are 50 spooky Halloween tunes ranked by how quickly they make me crap my pants with fear.

50. Bobby “Boris” Pickett “Monster Mash”

This one is so un-spooky that it actually just gives me mild indigestion. Whenever this comes on around Halloween I find myself reaching for the antacids to keep down the bloat and praying the night will end with a trip to the bathroom.

49. Exbats “Ghost in the Record Store”

There’s a ghost in the record store? I hope he doesn’t expect to talk to me about his taste in music. God, I hope he doesn’t read this list. Honestly, the thought is making me constipated just thinking about it.

48. Joey Nebulous “Gay Halloween”

Tender and lovely, this one gives my stomach butterflies but in a good way. One could argue that my pants are actually cleaner after listening to this song.

47. Alice Phoebe Lou “Witches”

If I was a witch, I’d definitely use a spell to stave away bathroom trips for an evening out. And good thing because this one honestly just makes me want to dance the night away. At no point during this song did I start to map my way to the nearest bathroom.

46. Being Dead “Underworld”

Favorite girls of the underworld simply do not crap their pants.

45. Bikini Sleepover, Lindenfield “Phantom Phriend”

A song about befriending your neighborhood specter and defending their honor to all your friends, this song is so far from scary that it honestly just makes me want a warm (or cold) hug.

44. Haepa “I’m Finally a Ghost”

If I were finally a ghost, I probably wouldn’t have to use the bathroom anymore at all so no, I don’t think this one induces any bodily functions.

43. The Orwells “Halloween All Year”

Halloween all year?? The only thing all those fun-sized Snickers are going to do is make me take a laxative in order to clear out my guts. This song certainly isn’t moving anything along.

42. October Country “My Girlfriend is a Witch”

Although spooky in nature, this one just makes me want a cool magical girlfriend so bad that I’d be too embarrassed to even fart in front of her. I’m backing up just thinking about her.

41. SNKPCK “Spooky Ghosts”

This one is so not spooky at all. It gets not so much as a turtlehead poking out from our butts this Halloween season. This is the sort of lowest common denominator drivel that will have you calling shit “doody.”

40. Albert Hammond Jr “Spooky Couch”

The only thing scary about a couch is the fact that if you’re a musician you probably have to live on one a lot. Out of an abundance of respect, I don’t think I’d crap myself while listening to “Spooky Couch.” Seems like the upholstery cleaning bill would be pretty expensive, and it’s never my couch that I’m living on.

39. Best Friends Forever “Ghost Song”

More hot than scary, the only bodily fluid this one makes me think about is…well, let’s just say I’m hoping to be more than just friends with that sexy, sexy ghost.

38. Sea Ghost “Blood”

The hook in this one is “You can hear my blood” and honestly, YUCK. There’s scary, and then there’s just plain disgusting. This one won’t have me turtling but I definitely want to puke now.

37. Metronomy “Trick or Treatz”

I have been known to give myself a tummy ache with all my Halloween loot from the days of yore. Thinking about all the candy I’d eat trick or treating won’t have me uncontrollably crapping so much as it’ll have me backed up for days. Then again, there is a repetitive drone sound in the song that’s definitely brown-note adjacent.

36. Twin Temple “Let’s Have a Satanic Orgy”

I’ve only been to one satanic orgy in my life, and the second I realized it would be a terrible moment to crap myself, I crapped myself. Isn’t that classic? I tried playing it off like “Yeah, isn’t it so SATANIC that I crapped during this orgy?” but no one was buying and I’m blacklisted from that sex basement.

35. Harlem “Friendly Ghost”

This one is honestly kind of nice and upbeat. I probably wouldn’t crap myself over meeting a friendly ghost, unless it was Casper from that ’90s movie. He said he was friendly but he definitely had a weird attitude toward women. Anyway, if I did crap myself in front of a friendly ghost, they’d probably be pretty understanding about it.

34. Joy Again “Necromancer”

A song about being in love with a necromancer whose kisses are so sweet they rot your teeth, this true essence of tricks and treats just gives me nausea, but more the “I can’t even crap” kind of nausea.

33. Rare Monk “Happy Haunting”

This song does make me want to crap my pants honestly…with excitement over the prospect of haunting my loved one with dad jokes for the rest of their days! Hey, what did the ghost leave in the toilet? A floater! Get it? Cause ghosts float around? Do you get it?

32. RL “You’re Not the Only Monster from Hell”

Monsters probably take big dumps and that’s exactly what comes to mind when I listen to this one. Might have to pull over but… nah, I think I can make it.

31. Shangri-Las “Dressed In Black”

A song about falling in love with a dark apparition who watches you through your window, this one has me shivering in under my bedsheets because no way I’m getting up to hit the bathroom. I can’t go when someone is watching, alive or dead, so yeah, looks like I’m soiling this mattress.

30. Outkast “Dracula’s Wedding”

Living on a diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fresh blood sounds like a dietary recipe for disaster. This song makes me crap my pants in fear for my gastrointestinal tract. I guess we can add soluble fiber to the list of things vampires hate?

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