Halloween season means only one thing: I’m going to a famous punk musician’s haunted house whether they like it or not. However, with so many high-profile punks jumping into the haunted attractions industry as of late, we feel that it would be best to rank the top 50 of them based on whether they are worthwhile at all.
50. Johnny Rotten
Johnny’s haunted house is going to be overrated as hell. This guy made one iconic one in the late ’70s and we’re all still supposed to be impressed by it decades later. What have you done for haunted house culture lately, Johnny?
49. Michale Graves
Right-wingers are scared of a lot of things that aren’t inherently terrifying. This will be evident almost immediately at the Proud Boy’s haunted house. For instance, there’s going to be someone dressed up as Nancy Pelosi. Not like a zombie Pelosi or anything. Just an impersonator of the former Speaker of the House holding a can of Bud Light. While it is slightly disturbing, we all know there’s nothing more horrifying than looking at Mitch McConnell’s face.
48. Tim Armstrong
Tim doesn’t seem to quite grasp the concept of a haunted house because what he constructed is an escape room. Even still, it’s just a room with no windows that locks from the outside. Not sure he quite understands escape rooms either.
47. Ben Weasel
The Screeching Weasel singer and guitarist is going to talk so much shit about everyone else’s haunted house in the neighborhood, but he probably should have put that energy into his own because this is elementary work at best.
46. Stefan Babcock
The PUP vocalist and guitarist is a Millennial so he can’t afford a house. He may have the financial means to rent one from one of the Boomer punks on this list since they each have four or five apiece, but even that’s pushing it.
45. Steve Ignorant
The DIY sentiment is so strong with Crass that when I get to the location of Steve’s haunted house and see a bunch of construction materials and tools laid out, I’m going to get suspicious that he thinks we’re all building it ourselves right there on the spot.
44. Brody Dalle
The last time I went through a haunted house of the Distillers’ singer and guitarist, some actor with a fully functioning chainsaw left a massive gash in my forearm. Brody claims it was all part of the charm. Tell that to my health insurance who evidently won’t cover haunted house-related injuries. Isn’t that the whole purpose of Aetna?
43. Mark Hoppus
Mark’s haunted house costs like $450 per ticket because we’d have to buy from Ticketmaster who jacked up the price. They would even include some questionable charges that are called something like “knife sharpening tax” and “blood handling fees.” Feels like I’m getting ripped off.
42. Greg Ginn
You know those restaurant chains that deploy intentionally obnoxious servers and are generally rude when you’re just trying to order a sandwich? That’s going to be the feel of the Black Flag guitarist’s haunted house. Only I think his temp workers are sincerely disgruntled. What has Greg done to them? Truly horrifying.
41. Blake Schearzenbach
The Jawbreaker singer’s haunted house is based on his own inner turmoil. He’s going to leave out his journals on various end tables and we’ll have to read various depressing passages from them. However, books aren’t scary. At least I don’t think so. I only read TikTok.
40. Siouxsie Sioux
Siouxsie advertises her haunted house as an “A24-like slow burn,” which makes perfect sense because it took a good 90 minutes of walking before anything even happened. Then all of a sudden it was over and nothing was explained. Haunted house bloggers will say her haunted house is a metaphor for grief. I don’t quite get it.
39. Mike Ness
For the Social D singer, this is going to be less of a haunted house and more of a haunted garage with about 50 classic cars strategically parked. In general, motor vehicles aren’t that spooky. For instance, have you seen the John Carpenter movie “Christine” about a possessed ‘58 Plymouth Fury? Me neither.
38. Fat Mike
Fat Mike’s haunted house is a 12,000-square-foot space located in Las Vegas that appears to have a lot of punk memorabilia. The sign outside even says “The Punk Rock Museum.” It won’t be long until I realize that the NOFX singer and bassist tricked us into going to his punk gallery instead. Damn you, Michael.
37. Marky Ramone
The former Ramones drummer thinks modern horror is straight trash. He’ll have exactly one life-size Nosferatu, a replica from “Creature From the Black Lagoon,” and a cardboard cutout of Bela Lugosi in everyday clothes. He really needs to update his references. We only do A24 or Terrifier now.
36. Keith Morris
There’s going to be like four or five other lesser-known haunted houses that open for the Circle Jerks’ singer’s one. The first of which was supposed to start at 7:00 p.m., but it’s been an hour and a half and they’re still doing soundcheck on the background shriekings. This is going to be a long night.
35. Greg Barnett
The guy from the Menzingers’ haunted house is going to tell a story with a lot of passion that is going to evoke and unlock something within me. Unfortunately, that is the last thing I want in a haunted house. Just make me piss my pants. I’m not asking for much here.
34. Henry Rollins
Henry’s haunted house is going to be scary as hell. That’s because he’d play his spoken word albums on a loop to “make a point.” This is going to cause irreversible cognitive damage. I knew I shouldn’t have paid extra for the VIP package that included the full “Henry Experience.”
33. John Porcelly
Youth of Today’s guitarist is straight edge. That means there will be no alcohol in his haunted house. Sure, haunted houses don’t typically serve booze. But still, it’s the principle. Also, I will be five beers deep and don’t want any side-eyed looks tonight.
32. Gaye Advert
For some reason, goats look like they worship satan and are therefore evil as hell. The Adverts bassist is going to double down on that imagery so hard that her haunted house will be 75% horned livestock. Only she didn’t consider the smell. You have to consider various stenches in your haunted attractions. That’s rule number one.
31. Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein
All of the actors in Doyle’s haunted house are over six feet, have 0% body fat, and look like they say the words “bench press” regularly. Doyle must know these people from the gym. Either way, this is going to make me feel self-conscious. I do not want to think about my physical shortcomings. I want to think about blood and guts exclusively.
30. Josh Freese
This man is the drummer for no less than 30 bands so he’ll have no time to dedicate to a haunted house. This will be evident almost immediately upon stepping in. Maybe just stick with one band. Two tops. Josh needs to focus on real hobbies.