20. Dogman
There are several “dog men” on this list and I would lay any one of them, but this entry is referring to dog/human hybrids specifically, conceived the old-fashioned way. Anyone who grew up with one human parent and one dog parent is probably open-minded, which is a big plus for me, a guy who wants to have sex with cryptids.
19. Grootslang
The Grootslang is a legendary giant serpent said to reside in a bottomless pit known as “the wonder hole.” If I need to explain to you why that’s hot and where I’m going with this, you just don’t get it.
18. Mer-person
I’m not usually attracted to creatures with human heads, but I’ve always wanted to bang a mer-person. I guess at the end of the day, I’m just a Disney kid.
17. Bunyip
No one seems to be able to agree on what this Australian cryptid even looks like. Some say it’s a giant water dog. Some accounts say it more resembles a giant starfish. Some say it has a long giraffe-like neck and a tiny head. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to be the first person to capture the Bunyip’s true form on camera, and then have sex with it.
16. Zaratan
These giant majestic turtles are said to be so large that their shells are mistaken for islands. I’ve heard of moving in with a partner, but moving ON a partner? Sign me up!
15. Lusca
Interest in capturing a Lusca has seen a huge uptick in recent years with some of the most renowned cryptozoologists in the world flocking to the Caribbean in hopes of spotting one. It’s no secret why. With the head of a shark and a lower half of Octopus-like tendrils, the Lusca is a sexual double-threat.
14. Batsquatch
You would think from the name that Batsquatch was a combination of a Sasquatch and a bat, and you would be 100% correct. It may be a lazy name, but hey, you try being clever when your mind is bombarded with fantasies of bat-ape sex. Hubba-hubba!
13. Loveland Frog
I’m not usually into shorter guys, and this humanoid frog maxes out at about four feet, but throw on some knee pads and a pair of sunglasses and he’s basically a Battletoad. What ‘90s kid wouldn’t want to have sex with a Battletoad?!
12. Popobawa
The terror of Zanzibar, responsible for documented mass hysteria as recently as 1995! Popobawa is a shapeshifter known for stalking island villages and committing sexual assault, but I can change him.
11. Chupacabra
Film buffs will tell you that the 1931 Mexican version of Dracula is superior to the Bella Lugosi film. Likewise, I’m here to tell you that the Chupacabra is way sexier than the traditional vampire. That suave little guy can drain my cattle anytime he wants.
10. Mahamba
The Mahamba is a giant crocodile residing in the Congo that can allegedly reach over 50 feet in length! I’m sure that’s an exaggeration, I’ve been burned before, but even if it’s 40 feet the Mahamba can devour my canoe any day.
9. Piasa Bird
If I wanted to have sex with a man-eating bird, I would have stayed married! Just kidding, I would definitely make love to the Piasa Bird.
8. Michigan Dogman
He’s not the only Dog/human hybrid-like creature on the list, but he’s the only one with a confirmed human torso (a ripped one at that) and piercing blue eyes. I’m howling just thinking about sex with this magnificent creature.
7. Mongolian Death Worm
Described as a sausage-like two-foot worm so poisonous that simply touching it means instant death. Forbidden fruit. The death worm is also said to kill at a distance by either spraying victims with venom from its head (yes zaddy) or releasing an electrical discharge. I’ve never done electro-play before but you don’t spend your life hunting cryptids to fuck without being open-minded!
6. Sirin
What can I say, I’m a talent whore. A cryptid that can sing? I’m putting a ring on it.
5. NASA Gargoyle
This hottie combines my two favorite types — legendary cryptological beasts, and nerds. He is reported to take delight in the fear he causes in others, and like NASA, I can neither confirm nor deny that I find that hot.
4. Owlman
In addition to being sexually aroused by crypto-zoological creatures, I’m a bit of a sapiosexual. Owlman is a giant Owl and he’s British, so he probably reads a lot, not to mention that accent!
3. Bigfoot
The holy grail of crypto-zoologists and cryptosexuals alike. I don’t know if he’s a missing evolutionary link, a mutation, or an alien, all I know is that he can get it. I’ve spent my entire adult life mastering a sex position that mimics that funny little shuffle-walk he does so that if I ever encounter this magnificent creature I’m ready.
2. Yeti
No, I’m not talking about the thermos, those are way too expensive to have sex with. The Yeti is basically Bigfoot’s cool snowboarding cousin. In other words, an absolute snack. Picture the snow monster scene in “The Empire Strikes Back,” only sexier.
1. Loch Ness Monster
Oh, Nessy. You never forget your first crush. The first time I laid eyes on that phallic shadow of a neck emerging from the still waters of Loch Ness something awakened in me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, I just knew I wanted to be near that magnificent creature.