Humanity has always feared the unknown, and in our hubris, we like to think that every creature on earth has already been discovered. Why then have so many people claimed to see Bigfoot? Why do Bigfoot sightings all bear striking similarities despite occurring in different parts of the world? What is Bigfoot working with in the downstairs department if you catch my meaning? These are but a few of the questions that have fueled crypto-zoologists, and/or me specifically, for centuries.
I describe myself as an amateur crypto-zoologist, not because of any lack of experience but because the word amateur is derived from the latin “amare,” to love. It has always been my dream to find one of these undiscovered creatures, capture proof of its existence, and make sweet sweet love to it.
Here are the top 50 cryptids ranked by how bangable they are.
The Thunderbird was a legend among the indigenous peoples of North America said to be so large that it created thunderstorms when it flapped its wings. This was disproved in the ‘70s when two Thunderbirds attacked a small boy. Witnesses estimated the actual wingspan to be a mere 10 feet. If there’s one thing I can’t tolerate in a hookup, it’s lying about size.
49. Skunk Ape
Bigfoot’s weird Floridian cousin. Between his giant Pepe Le Pew-like appearance and the fact that he chooses to live in Florida, I’m betting Skunk Ape would come on a little strong for my taste. Buy a guy a drink first!
He’s the Bigfoot of Australia, and I’m a sucker for the accent, but the Yowie’s reputation for aggression and violence is kind of a turn-off. He must be a descendant of a Bigfoot criminal the other Bigfoots shipped down under when their prisons got too crowded.
Early reports of Trunko were wild. A giant polar bear-like fish with an elephant trunk? Sign me up! Unfortunately in 2010, some photos surfaced proving that Trunko was likely just a hunk of rotting whale flesh that washed up on shore. Humpable in an emergency, but not really my type.
46. Fouke Monster
This “creature” was the inspiration for what some consider to be the first found footage horror movie “The Legend of Boggy Creek.” He is described as being a large, hairy man-like creature with red eyes, but I’ve been to Arkansas, and it was probably just some dude.
A lake monster, like good ole Nessy, but this one resides in Burlington Vermont so he’s got a more crunchy/granola vibe. If I were still a teenager Champ would be a total dreamboat, but I’m done pretending to be into Phish no matter how big and scaly you are.
I’m not going to try and tell you that octopus sex wouldn’t be hot, we all know it is. I just think the Kraken must have a huge ego. He’s got his own rum, his own cryptocurrency, he’s in movies, he even has his own catchphrase, “Release the Kraken!” I’m looking to have sex with a crypto-zoological creature that’s a little more down to earth.
Africa is a hotbed for Cryptids that are probably just regular animals that haven’t been photographed yet. The African Peacock was considered a cryptid until its existence was confirmed in 1936. Sex with regular animals is wrong, but until they’ve been captured on film they are fair game! Please, no one photographed this undiscovered wild dog until I’ve had sex with it.
Selkies are mythical Scottish seals with the ability to shape-shift into humans. I guess that comes in handy if you enjoy sex with humans, which to be clear, I DON’T!
Wampanoag folklore tells of the Pukwudgie, a name that roughly translates to “little wild man of the woods that vanishes.” I’ve had my share of wild men in the woods that vanish. I’m looking for a cryptid that’s ready to commit.
Specimens of this giant water snake/sea horse hybrid have allegedly been captured live twice, but both times it was released back into the water. Sounds like a pretty checkered dating history, no thanks.
39. Brosno Dragon
Some accounts of this centuries-old Russian cryptid have it that it’s a giant dragon-like creature that swallowed an entire airplane during WWII. Others say it’s just a larger-than-average beaver. I could maybe be persuaded into a hookup, but Brosno Dragon, you need to figure yourself out before you start thinking about a relationship.
I think I speak for all cryptosexuals when I say I’m more into chimeras with human bodies and animal heads, not the other way around. Besides, you don’t get your own ancient Egyptian monument without developing a pretty massive ego.
37. Dover Demon
Glowing eyes and tendril-like fingers are sexy, but all the crypto-zoological sex in the world wouldn’t be hot enough to get me through another Massachusetts winter.
He’s a true mystery man. Reports of his appearance differ wildly, and there is some debate over whether he is an actual creature or the spirit of the river. In the early 20th century several expeditions were made to the Congo in an effort to find him, but those crypto-zoologists turned up nothing because they didn’t employ my technique — seduction.
35. Water Leaper
Welsh mythology tells of this giant frog with bat wings and a long lizard-like tail with a stinger on the end. This nefarious creature uses these unholy attributes to… snap fishing line? Sorry, but I’m not sleeping with a cryptid that refuses to live up to its lethal potential.
I already know I’m going to catch flack for putting The Mothman so low on this list of cryptids I would like to have sex with. I get it. Seven feet tall, enormous wings, and glowing red eyes, he’s a hottie. I just can’t hear the name “Mothman” and not think about Richard Gere. It’s a mood killer. It’s not you Mothman, it’s me, okay?
33. Jersey Devil
According to legend, in 1735 a woman named Jane Leeds, frustrated upon learning she was pregnant with her 13th child, cursed her own pregnancy and declared her offspring would be “a devil.” She proceeded to birth a horse or goat-like creature with giant leathery bat wings, aka a total smoke-show. Unfortunately, this stud loses points on account of the fact that older men from New Jersey are notoriously selfish lovers.
32. Devil Monkey
Basically like the winged monkeys from “Wizard of Oz” but without wings. They’re just mean scary monkeys is all I’m saying. They also tend to travel in packs, and I’m just not really into the group thing anymore.
You might think a relationship between a human and a reptile-bird chimera is strange, which is why I’m glad Snallygaster lives near Baltimore. The residents of Charm City aren’t prudes, and they wouldn’t bat an eye at the two of us sharing crab cakes by the harbor, browsing around Atomic Books, and scooping helpless victims into the sky to drink their blood. It’s called being open-minded.
This serpentine lake monster is said to be 50 feet long and thicker than a telephone pole, so you know he’s and ideal lover, and he’s Canadian so you know he’s nice!