15. “The Tale of the Dollmaker”
Okay, I’m getting off caffeine and beer, this is so much more urine than a spooky kids’ show should be producing. And the weird thing is I don’t even feel it coming out.
14. “The Tale of the Crimson Clown”
One look at that clown and my last pair of underwear is officially a piss rag that’s so soaked it would be impossible for it to dry, I guess I’ll be pissing right into my sweats for the rest of the list.
13. “The Tale of Station 109.1”
Celebrities! This terrifying tale features Gilbert Gottfried and a young Ryan Gosling! God, he looks like a baby in this. So do I, but only because I can’t seem to stop pissing my pants.
12. “The Tale of the Night Shift”
This one is a terrifying triple threat! It features vampires, zombies, and piss! Oh wait no, that last one’s just me and now it’s made it’s way to the floor and I need to get the wet dry vacuum out of the basement.
11. “The Tale of the Silent Servant”
I’m too young to have prostate cancer right? Right?
10. “The Tale of the Phantom Cab”
Definitely the scariest Dr. Vink episode, but you know what’s scarier than that? My phantom doctor. I just called and the dude can’t see me for 3 weeks! I’m going to have to order an abundance of adult diapers and hope this will pass.
9. “The Tale of the Captured Souls”
I remember having nightmares about the creepy immortal innkeeper and his soul-sucking mirror, and I also remember a time when I could control my bladder, but apparently those days are behind me and I’m doomed to be just another guy covered in piss, and sometimes a tiny amount of shit.
8. “The Tale of the Shiny Red Bicycle”
Full disclosure, I think this is one of the most effective ghost stories they ever did, and I did fully wet myself when I first saw it, but just once. This time round I’m way less scared and wetting myself way more times. Doesn’t make any sense.
7. “The Tale of the Dead Man’s Float”
Hey “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” do me a solid and don’t mention floating. Or like, water, in any way. I’m not going to get my security deposit back.
6. “The Tale of the Water Demons”
Oh, come on! Hitting way too close to home here “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”! God if I even think about water too much I’m a damned geisser! This is bordering on the supernatural.
5. “The Tale of the Super Specs”
Is there anything scarier than shadow people? The answer is yes, and it’s the sheer amount I am involuntarily urinating. How is there even this much liquid in my body? I am beginning to suspect that when I accidentally pissed on that haggard, wart-nosed old crowe during that bar crawl last week, and she said “I curse you… PISSSSEEEERRRR” she was serious!
4. “The Tale of the Frozen Ghost”
MAKE IT STOP! God this is UNBEARABLE! It’s like throwing up but with my dick, and urine instead of vomit. I know you’re thinking “That’s just what peeing is” but it’s NOT! It’s different!
3. “The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors”
Hel..glglglg..he..p..me…can’t…swim..glglglgglglglgl
2. “The Tale of Laughing in the Dark”
Okay! I managed to break my living room window, and I’m no longer drowning in piss. Oh god… what’s going on out there? The piss! The piss is going crazy! It’s assimilating everything it touches! It’s like The Blob, only with piss! RUN!
1. “The Tale of the Midnight Madness”
This tale of a cursed film in which a Nosferatu-like vampire emerges from the screen stands the test of time providing thrills to viewers both young and old. In other news, I have become one with the piss, as you all soon will. Resistance is futile and unnecessary. It’s warm here. There is no war. The piss is unity. The piss is peace. The piss is love.
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