“Getting High on the Down Low”
Getting high in secret is like… Greg’s favorite thing to do already. It’s probably not in anyone’s best interest to reinforce that habit with a song in which Fat Mike brags about being blazed undetected. Plus it’s one of those weird NOFX songs that sounds like they’re trying to be the Hives or something, which is never their best look.
“Six Years On Dope”
The lyrical themes of this track serve as a cautionary tale, warning the listener of the devastating impact drugs and alcohol can have on one’s relationships. Unfortunately, Fat Mike is the one singing it, so it’s hard to take very seriously. We really can’t afford any opportunities for misinterpretation here.
“Codependence Day”
This one is tricky because it’s probably going to bum all of your friends out. Especially when Greg points out that we’ve been using him as our coke hookup for years. It’s a valid criticism for sure, but it’s not really the point. This meetup is about Greg’s problems, not ours.
“Lager In The Dark”
There’s no doubt about it. Greg is going to be pretty stressed out. There’s nothing that he’ll want more in this moment than a bottle of suds in a poorly lit room. Preferably alone. Playing a song that repeats the line ‘lager in the dark’ at breakneck speed to the point of panic is tantamount to torture. We’re pretty sure there are laws against that.
“I Wanna Be An Alcoholic”
It’s nice to think of Fat Mike finally achieving his dreams when you pair this one with the aforementioned ‘I Am An Alcoholic,’ but Greg’s dream was to be a lawyer. If this intervention fails, he’ll never pass his Bar Exams. If that happens, who will help you and your friends when you find yourself in your own legal struggles? Not Greg, that’s for sure.
“Beer Bong”
‘Drinking beer is too slow, beer bong is the way to go.’ That’s the chorus of the song you were planning on adding to the queue. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Sometimes we feel like you aren’t even listening to us, man. Drinking quickly and to excess is all fine and good for a normal Friday night, but Greg has real problems here. Think about someone other than yourself for a change.
“Go To Work Wasted”
Greg currently owes you $400. He’s likely been slow to pay it back due to the fact that he was caught doing exactly what this song’s title suggests at his warehouse job. He was a forklift operator there and the company lost thousands of dollars in merchandise because of his mishap. Seeing as this is already covered in your prepared statement, you can go ahead and just skip this one.
“Party Enema”
Greg’s actually the one who introduced you to the idea of a ‘party enema.’ That was long before Brett Kavanaugh publicly made the idea seem gross and profoundly uncool. You might want to put this one on to remind Greg of the good times you used to have when he could party without ruining his and everyone else’s life, but it’s probably too soon at this juncture.
“Puke on the Cops”
Normally we would totally advocate vomiting on members of the police force. Who wouldn’t? The problem here is that Greg is in enough legal trouble as it is (remember the arson thing?) Best to let things cool down a bit before suggesting poking the bear that is the long arm of the law again.
“Fun Things to Fuck (If You’re A Winner)”
Why you would even want to pick this one is beyond us. Just in case you don’t understand why this is a bad choice: almost no one at this event will be horny except for your weird friend, Richard. His intervention is scheduled for next week, but for right now you really need to focus all your attention on Greg. You can’t have Richard moaning at the thought of fornicating with a burrito during this. It would be too distracting.
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