Unless it’s your wedding, most receptions suck worse than running out of vegan protein powder on leg day. Sure, a wedding reception presents endless opportunities to discuss straight edge veganism and HIIT training with every out-of-shape, alcoholic, beef eater in sight, but where are the breakdowns? Why aren’t there circle pits? Or weird body smells from a guy legally named Blood Pressure?
Your friends and family are excited to celebrate your quasi-religious tax shelter ceremony, but if you’re serious about getting them on the dance floor, you’ll need several sweaty bald men in basketball jerseys half-shouting about overcoming obstacles. Lucky for you, the wedding experts at The Hard Times are prepared to give your sex-condoning celebration the brass knuckles it needs. Get ready to cover the reception hall in the blood of your elders because here are the top 15 hardcore bands ranked by how much they’d improve your wedding reception!
15. Converge
Putting Converge at number 15 seems counterintuitive, but the wedding band should never outshine the couple. If you pick Jacob and the boys, you have to understand someone will post the ceremony on their Instagram story for everyone pregaming in the reception parking lot. Seeing Converge in the place you also went to prom is ultimately more important than the procession that says you can legally go apple picking now.
But booking Converge to play your wedding will be a 164% improvement over hiring your creepy cousin to DJ the party. Your grandma will flip tables when the opening notes of “Dark Horse” rip through everyone’s cummerbund. DJ Greg on the other hand will leave in handcuffs for an unrelated bench warrant before the first dance. Hope you brought your old iPod so you can play your “Dance Party ‘09” playlist!
14. Earth Crisis
Nothing will make your guests feel more relaxed and comfortable than the pummeling riffs of a militant vegan straight edge band. No chicken piccata will go unshamed! No toast will go unlectured! The vibes of your reception will be positively North Korean, and your friends and family will be better for it. Everyone in attendance could use a serious dose of self-discipline, and who better to shame your guests into living a better life than the band your aunt will keep calling Metallica?
13. Kublai Khan
Booking Kublai Khan will guarantee the Knights of Columbus you’ve rented burns to the ground. Your in-laws will never let you forget how the wedding party went feral during “Theory of Mind”—which is ultimately fine because Mickey and Lou have enough in savings to cover the generational damage done to that plot of land. As a wedding band, Kublai Khan’s pummeling riffs and frequent expletives demonstrate the fragility of love in a way that only a band from Texas named after a Yuan dynasty emperor can.
Fun fact: Marco Polo allegedly served in the real Kublai Khan’s court for almost seventeen years.
Double fun fact: Your encyclopedic recitation of history is exactly what will one day push your partner away for good.
12. The Hope Conspiracy
Until recently, booking Hope Con for your wedding was about as likely as seeing your cool aunt talking to your MAGA grandparents. But rejoice! The Hope Conspiracy is back even if
Grandma and Grandpa refuse to accept Aunt Sarah’s wife. Word on the street is that the band’s hiatus has them playing with the speed and ferocity of a much younger band–which is probably better for the wedding night than it is the wedding gig… But we’re sure you won’t complain when your step-brother-in-law Stephen Parker III gets his nose broken during “Animal Farm”!
11. The Bled
Break out your orthotic Vans and dressiest skinny jeans to witness a god-tier wedding band in style. And be sure to wear your best carabiner with a black and white checkered blazer, or everyone will think you listen to ‘00s New York garage rock. I mean, The Strokes were cool, but were they cooler than The Bled? No, but now that I think of it… having a stroke is definitely worse than just bleeding–unless the bleeding is really embarrassing. Like ass blood. Or if you’re pissing blood out of your ass. That’s definitely worse. Be sure to see a doctor after the reception.
10. Dying Wish
You might mistake this band for the venue’s wait staff, but they’ll be too busy breaking bottles and playing sternum-crushing breakdowns to take drink orders. Which is fine because your uncle has only been off the sauce for a few months. It will do him some good chasing around a group of heavily-tattooed youngsters in an attempt to treat himself to a secret beer. Closest thing he’ll get to it is watching 6 or 7 hardcore bands playing in front of a “Support the Troops!” Bud Light banner. And if he moshes? Even better! Lock Dying Wish down to play your wedding, and you could legitimately save a problem-drinking, upper-middle-aged man’s life.
9. ZULU
Booking Zulu means that you understand your bio dad is going to fist fight your step dad in the parking lot no matter what. So, if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen to the chaotic hellblasts of a band named after a Black South African resistance army. If marriage is a war of attrition, the reception should be tonally similar because it’s important to have healthy expectations. A quick word of advice: if you’re booking ZULU, be sure to sign a prenup. You have nothing, and in all likelihood will also have nothing later. But, what if your partner asks for half of your stick and poke tattoos in the divorce? Can you afford to lose any more skin?
8. SeeYouSpaceCowboy
This band will make you feel like you’re young and single even though you’re probably 6-7 years past what even your grandma would consider young. And frankly, that’s the least of your worries, buddy. This marriage is the best thing you’ve got going. If you take care of business here, your prospects are few and far between. Yeah, your merch, vinyl, and live show screenprint collection are nice, but that thing on your back is scary. So, let’s celebrate the official end of your eligibility with gnarly breakdowns played in the key of early-aughts nostalgia. Besides bringing heavy jams to your reception SeeYouSpaceCowboy are well known for their thoughtful gift-giving. That 14-piece horror movie dinnerware set? They pitched in and bought it for you.
7. Terror
Sometimes, weddings are just too much pomp and circumstance. We highly recommend keeping it simple and booking Terror. And as long as you don’t set the band at the kids’ table, there is no way your niece and nephew will get stomach tattoos on the playground. This school year. Plus, having Terror at your reception means you can have a bench press contest where the “Cha Cha Slide” used to be. Your grandparents will hold the bets. They’ll promise not to skim so much you can’t go to Jersey City for your honeymoon, but I’d be sure to count everything twice.
6. Soul Glo
Soul Glo is a crowd pleaser. They’re the perfect band for your aunt that loves NPR’s Tiny Desk concerts and your new brother-in-law that always seems to be on probation. But at no point should you let the two of these people meet because they will leave the reception together. And trust us, they are going to have the rawest sex in recorded human history.
You think your family’s weird now? Wait until J Money is not only your wife’s sister but also her uncle-in-law. That would also make your aunt your sister-in–law. That will be fun to explain when your kid has to make a family tree in third grade.
5. Gouge Away
Hiring a band that sounds like hardcore from the year you and your newly betrothed started dating is a great way to honor your 27-year engagement. The first time you rubbed your sweaty armpits together in a mosh pit, you knew you had finally met THE ONE. But if you love one another, why such a long engagement? Well, you both needed the better part of three decades to be sure it was right because unresolved childhood trauma made you both indecisive people-pleasers. Your love is probably absolute, but even if it’s not, you’ll never get divorced anyway. If you did, you’d be like your parents, and parents bad. So, listen to this 90s-inspired hardcore band and cherish the fact that you’d rather live in denial than work through your own shit. Cheers!
4. Jesus Piece
The only thing more intense than your fajita shits is the libido spike you get when your soon-to-be husband blasts Jesus Piece in the bedroom. When those riffs start flying, you know cheeks are about to get clapped. And wouldn’t it be great to share the sensual howls of an unhinged madman and his friends with everyone in your extended family? By the time the dollar dance is over, the wedding photos will look like they were ripped from the pages of National Geographic. The dance floor of your local conservation club never had it so good.
3. Evergreen Terrace
Sometimes a cover band is the best way to elevate your reception which is why you should book Evergreen Terrace to play the “Writer’s Block” album in its entirety. Weddings are hard, and everyone loves a cover band. Not you. Everyone else, though. If a U2 cover will make your mom happy, who are you to tell her she can’t slug back a healthy glass of Two Buck Chuck while listening to Bono and The Edge? But who says the band has to suck? Evergreen Terrace will be rattling and humming the walls of your rural community church basement with chaotic hardcore energy. Trust us, you’ll never regret giving your mom the chance to yell, “‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” halfway through “Sunday Bloody Sunday”.
2. Hatebreed
No band is better for reminding a couple the seriousness of their vows than Hatebreed. And if you think that Jamey Jasta is gonna let the two of you stray from your vows, boy are you wrong. This man will take your marital promises to his own grave. If you have a fight or even think about straying from your relationship for a second, a sweaty, basketball-shorted Jasta will burst out of the corner of the room and set you straight with a series of inspirational shouts. When you’re booking Hatebreed, you’ll gain a lifetime marital counselor that’s sure to turn your shitty snoozefest of a wedding reception into a violent mass of heaving optimism!
1. Knocked Loose
If the chicken dance makes you want to throat punch your aunt, and the “Cha Cha Slide” gives you uncontrollable diarrhea, Knocked Loose is the cure for your wedding ills. Sure, physical safety and the ability to reconnect with relatives is nice to have at a reception, but do you really care what your cousin from Stamford does for a living? Nope! And neither does she! So grab a breadstick, kick your stepbrother in the nuts, and join a wedding party wall of death the local newspapers will never stop covering. Why even have a first dance if it doesn’t go “Arf, Arf!”? Whether it’s “Counting Worms” or “Piece By Piece,” hiring Knocked Loose to play your wedding reception will make sure everyone has a good time. But be reasonable and be sure you have a first aid kit and trained first responders on the premises because all grandmas are crowd killers.
A final piece of technical advice: don’t let the band set up their merch table by the buffet because the merch guy always ends up eating a little with just his dirty, little fingers.
And while our wedding reception advice may seem unconventional–maybe that’s why we’ve been divorced multiple times–but our receptions have never been lame.