OKLAHOMA CITY — Employees at a local accounting firm are reportedly confounded by a recent hire who is simultaneously the worst co-worker they’ve ever had and the best drug dealer they’ve ever encountered, conflicted sources confirm.
“That dude fucked up some simple spreadsheets last week and we spent four days fixing it. He can’t take simple direction, he gets angry anytime he’s asked to do a task, and I’m pretty sure he eats all the lunches in the fridge, like six or seven a day,” said accountant Javi Cruz. “I have to work twice as much with him on staff. And then he’ll just disappear for half the day. But he sold me a bag of Xanax and some moonrocks for sixty bucks and that shit got me so fucked up that I forgot how terrible he is to work with. And the dude always has product, he even offered to deliver it to me if I’m in a pinch. On the other hand, I think he stole the office coffee maker.”
Zane Bartell, the employee in question, reports only positive interactions with co-workers while acknowledging contributing nothing in the workplace.
“Easiest job I’ve ever had. I show up late, sell a few bags of weed around the office, and take a nap in my car until lunchtime. And I keep getting paid,” said Bartell while making 1,000 photocopies of a flyer for a rave his friend is promoting. “It’s pretty hard to get fired from this company. And the guy from HR owes me money for some coke, so that helps. I basically run this place and I’m selling these people some of the worst shit I’ve ever had, I’m basically offloading my junk onto them.”
Local staffing agencies report that such employees provide a much-needed service, although it can be a burden on hard-working staff members.
“So-called ‘Slacker Plugs’ aren’t good at anything in the professional world: dress codes, being on time, not vaping at your desk,” said Tessa Winger, employment placement specialist. “But we’ve found that workplaces are more productive with a dope-slinging goldbricker or two on the team. We’ve been working on designing office spaces to attract these slackers. Hammocks in the break room, Playstations at their desks instead of pesky work computers, Kool-Aid in the kitchen, anything it takes to retain these valuable members of the team, even though they are completely inept at their assigned duties.
At press time, slacker co-workers were in talks to organize and demand increased paid vacation days in exchange for showing up with some killer hash.