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Woman on Tight Deadlines Totally Crushing Other Chores

SAN DIEGO — Local procrastinator Rupa Patel claims she’s never more productive around the house than when she’s on tight deadlines at the office with assignments her career completely depends on, confirmed multiple sources who have never seen her apartment so clean.

“Right now I have two presentations to our biggest clients that I need to finish before 3 p.m. today or I’ll be fired, but also it just seems like the perfect time to scrape the silicone off the backsplash behind my sink and put a new bead down,” said Patel. “And besides, I still have 45 minutes to put together a 16-page slideshow with quarterly breakdowns, projections, and a complete social media strategy. I just need to fold my laundry first, then maybe go get my DVDs out of storage and arrange them alphabetically before I start on my real work.”

Partner Adam Levinson admits that his girlfriend’s new habits are a double-edged sword.

“I love that Rupa is giving the place a deep clean, and if I ask to lend a hand she says ‘no, you will just make it worse’ so I’ve had more time to meet up with the boys and play Pickleball,” said Levinson. “The biggest downside is the fact that we can’t afford his lifestyle if she loses her job. They cut a few of my shifts at the arcade, so she really needs to focus. As much as I appreciate her sanding and restaining the hardwood floor, she really needs to be more professional.”

Psychologist Lucia Hale referenced studies showing in proven detail that procrastination shines a light upon mundane day-to-day obligations.

“Task and labor duties tend to be disproportionately shifted onto women in both the home and the office. This gives them, on average, four times the duties of their male partners and coworkers. In order to take back control people will often work backward on their personal ‘To-Do’ list as a ‘fuck you’ to the world,” said Hale. “I’ve been asked thousands of times over the years how to remedy this. Logically, the only feasible solution is to move out in the middle of the night, start over in another town, and disassociate your way into a more peaceful life as a painter. So many of my clients have found success over the years with this method.”

At press time, Patel was last seen trying to replace the knob and tube wiring in her attic with just 35 seconds left until her meeting.