MONTCLAIR, N.J. – Children around the world awoke this morning to find that while Santa Claus did visit millions of homes overnight, their traditional offerings of milk and cookies were left untouched. And much to their surprise, next to each untouched offering was an informative pamphlet detailing the horrors of the global meat and dairy industries.
“I went to see if Santa ate his snickerdoodles and milk,” said 8-year-old Abigail Stevens, still holding overtly graphic North Pole-themed vegan literature. “But it looks like Santa’s not touching that stuff anymore. He, like, really wants people to know about it.”
The pamphlet, on one page depicting reindeer penned in factory farms, indicated it was manufactured by the youth-oriented animal rights group PETA2.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to make of this pamphlet, to be honest,” said Blake Stevens, the child’s father. “It’s got all these gory pictures of polar bears and elves. They could have at least made it a coloring book.”
“90 percent of the impact of manmade climate change would be eliminated if the world adopted a vegan lifestyle,” said a surprisingly thin Santa Claus, who held a press conference this morning to announce his change in diet. A nonpartisan fact-checker was unable to verify the claims.
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“Look, I’m not trying to harsh people’s mellow. I’m just saying, it takes, like, 125 gallons of water to produce just one glass of milk. Do you know how much strain that puts on our environment?” Mr. Claus asked rhetorically. “If the North Pole melts – no more Christmas. Maybe leave out some almond milk and some Oreos next time, huh, buddy?”
Santa Claus concluded his remarks by announcing his trademark red outfit will no longer contain fur, and all future suits would be made from sustainably sourced material.
As of press time, the Stevens family were eating their traditional Christmas ham dinner with a few extra cookies for dessert.