BEND, Ore. — Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge of World War II history, confirmed sources who didn’t want to sit next to him at dinner.
“Sure, America did a lot for the Allies, but that’s old news. We’ve got to cut off our diplomatic ties. America first!” claimed Poppavich, raising a fist in pain despite a fractured arm from a golf course fall. “When I think about those boys storming the beach in Normandy, my heart swells with pride. But all of this current fake news pouring in from Ukraine, Gaza, and the Congo doesn’t line up with my own research online. All these journalists and historians are paid lefty Communist actors, and that’s a fact. There is absolutely no tie between the vermin Nazi scum we beat in the past, and those cleancut white gentlemen marching out in the street waving the ol’ stars and stripes. You think living under Stalin was scary? I bet the woke mob is right outside my front door!”
The uncle’s niece Lara Poppavich shared discomfort over his mental disconnect.
“You’d think a man versed in international conflict could possibly see what’s on the horizon, especially with Europe shifting to the right, or North Korea and Russia growing closer,” complained the 23-year-old during a smoke break. “For someone that loves celebrating American victories from eight decades ago, Uncle Paul casually flirts with facism every single day. He directs his anger toward immigrants, gun restrictions, and the end of cursive in schools. He thinks journalists should be restricted, and wants to put ‘undesirables in camps’ without ever explicitly stating what that means. It’s a long laundry list of potential targets: he has a thing against people on bikes, celebrities, and Mariners fans. His hatred casts a wide net.”
Liz Trunchpack, director of Oregon’s WWII Heritage Museum, sings the uncle’s praises despite a few hiccups.
“Paul is one of our most impassioned docents and remains a frequently requested tour guide. That is, until current events come up in conversation,” said Trunchpack aboard a decommissioned battleship. “If it’s the past, we’re fine. He’s a terrific translator of history. Just don’t bring up the newscycle and especially the election. I’ve heard him spout the phrase ‘coastal elites’ more than I care to share. After work, I’ve had to ask Paul not to discuss conspiracy theories with guests in the parking lot, and not to stalk them on social media to see who the ‘real Americans’ are. At least he’s no longer recruiting for his raid on the State Library to expose the ‘New World Order.’ That was a whole HR headache for months.”
At press time, Poppavich signed up for a local history group’s WWII reenactment, requesting a position within the Axis powers, specifically the USSR since he “likes Putin’s style.”