NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump charmed conservative podcast host Grant Victoria with a story about the time he helped five innocent men get arrested on rape charges and then called for them to get the death penalty.
“I actually helped make Central Park the best park in New York, before I came around there were pickpockets and thugs. But I helped clean it up and there hasn’t been a single crime there since I intervened, not one, not even jaywalking. Nothing,” said Trump. “There were these five guys, real bad dudes. They did some real bad stuff, things I’d never think of doing. I love all women, and let’s face it, they love me. Because of my detective work they get arrested, I take out a beautiful full-page ad saying we need to give them all the death penalty. Everyone says it was a great ad. Maybe the best of all time. Then radical leftist scientists completely make up something called DNA evidence that exonerated these men and the soft-on-crime Democrats actually let them out of prison. I’ve been afraid for my life every day since they got out.”
One of the nation’s few undecided voters, Benjamin Morley, was disturbed by Trump’s retelling of the story.
“I’ve seen a few documentaries about the Central Park 5 and it’s such a disgusting miscarriage of justice that shows how racist and broken our criminal justice system is, the fact Trump is bragging about it makes me sick,” said Morley. “But at the same time, I do think Trump has some good ideas about ending taxes on tips. I used to work at a Starbucks so I know the pain. This is a really tough choice for me. I’m going to have to see how the next 90 days go, if Trump doesn’t call for the extermination of any innocent people then I’m leaning his way.”
Former New York defense attorney Lucy Alvarez says that Trump’s retelling of the story is a farce.
“Trump actually had nothing to do with the arrest of the Central Park 5, they were brought in after getting caught ‘wilding’ and the cops pinned the crime on them. Trump makes it seem like he dusted for prints and acted like Columbo in order to bring those boys in,” said Alvarez. “All he did was stir up racial tensions and lick the boots of every NYPD officer. So really not much has changed with him. He’s using the same tactics he did 40 years ago and people are still falling for it.”
At press time, Trump also claimed he briefly dated Rachel Greene, a waitress who worked at Central Perk.