WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request to pause the nation’s catastrophic COVID-19 death rate while they’re at it.
“Votes, deaths, it doesn’t matter. What’s 200,000, 300,000 deaths? I lose that amount of money every day and look at me, I’m great. I’m fantastic,” an agitated and clearly sweating Trump stated. “Dr. Fauci wants us to count. Antifa, they want us to count. I say no counting. Keep the numbers where they are. Who uses the mail for these things? I don’t have time to see a new number every day. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, is a phrase I came up with. People say it all the time, they love it.”
Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh weighed in with an unofficial opinion.
“You know I get it. In college, I’d count how many drinks I had in a night and without fail I’d lose count somewhere around 11,” he explained. “Seems applicable to this, so yes I agree that we should just stop counting Coronavirus deaths. Numbers are boring, and math is for nerds.”
At press time, Eric Trump tweeted that his father has won the COVID-19 pandemic.