LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form of self-care, but it has to involve more than just masturbating.
“When Alex told me he masturbated 45 times in six hours, my first concern was about him developing carpal tunnel syndrome, or maybe a complete degloving of his penis,” said Jones. “Then I started worrying that he’d get dehydrated and die, but I guess those were mostly ghost loads, so I guessed he’d be fine. Still, drink some water, champ, because skin damage causes water loss and we know that peen has to be more chafed than Ben Shapiro’s willy after getting intimate with his wife. But please consider trying some other forms of self-care. Read a non-pornographic novel, perhaps? Bubble baths? Anything. Because at this point I’m afraid he’s going to set his penis on fire with all that rubbing.”
Hirata, however, did not agree with his therapist’s assessment.
“I’m feeling a little lied to right now because Dr. Jones told me masturbating was an acceptable form of self-care,” said a miffed Hirata. “But believe me, I care for myself a lot and in many interesting ways which you can read more about in my blog, ‘So It’s Cum to This.’ I now self-care for myself at work, baseball games, therapist appointments, and anywhere else I can wear my extra large trench coat. Before this I used to drink–but no more. Masturbation truly is my anti-drug. Would you prefer I start drinking again? Because I find it hard, or soft I guess, to self-care when I drink.”
Self-titled psychologist and creator of the pro-masturbation Instagram account “JizzMarkey” Niles Sumter felt like even more masturbation was the way to go.
“I’m glad to see more people embracing masturbation as a stress reliever,” said a red-faced Niles with a blanket strategically placed over his lap. “Did you know that bonobo monkeys solve most of their problems by masturbating? It’s true; I heard it on Joe Rogan. That’s why I preach that everyone should jerk it as much as possible and as often as possible. Masturbating releases dopamine and that’s dope, know what I mean? Anyways, would you mind if we picked this interview back up in like 15 minutes?”
At press time, Dr. Jones was seen dragging her office couch to the street and lighting it on fire.