AUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.
“This is our way of letting the public know that we hear your repeated calls to address the concerning cases of gun violence in the great state of Texas,” House Republican Jared Patterson said. “We all remember how effective parental advisory stickers were with preventing young people from hearing offensive music, and we feel they will have the same effect in curbing future tragedies. While, lamentably, guns here can only be sold to minors with the express consent of a parent or guardian, we want to make sure every God-fearing Texan has access to a bump-stock equipped death machine, and we will all be sleeping a little easier at night if this bill passes.”
Negligent parent Ron McCormick expressed his hope that the bill would pass.
“It’ll be nice to have some peace of mind when I take my son Conner to get his first AR-15 for his 16th birthday next year,” McCormick offered. “He’s been adamant about getting a gun lately, and I figure anything that gets him away from the computer is a blessing. I’m glad Texas politicians are keeping safety at the forefront of their gun priority list with this sticker bill, though. I want Conner to have a warning attached to his first semi-automatic rifle. He spends all his time in his dark bedroom using something called ‘4Chan,’ so if a new gun gets him out of the house and around other people in the real world, I’m all for it.”
Gun violence expert Natasha Healey was less receptive to the effort from Texas Republicans.
“This is just the latest example of lazy, superficial policy made under the thin veil of addressing gun violence,” Healey sighed. “Parental advisory stickers started being placed on compact discs 40 years ago because Tipper Gore was bored and stupid, and there’s no evidence to suggest that those kept any minors from hearing N.W.A. I’m certain we’re going to see a similar result with them being placed on firearms. At this point, we should all just give up and live in bunkers.”
At press time, Patterson was also working on a bill that would require the Ten Commandments be displayed next to any computer that can be used to type a sprawling manifesto.