PORTLAND, Ore. — A routine lunch break turned into an unexpected battle of past glory Tuesday afternoon when Jake “Used to Skate” Piper and Mark “Used to Box” DeRosa found themselves together in the company breakroom, terrified onlookers reported.
“It was wild. Jake and Mark exchanged a quick nod—a tense truce at best. Then, without warning, they were in each other’s faces, launching into a brutal round of anecdotal one-upmanship. Nonstop talk of kickflips and sparring sessions. I was terrified,” said James Defoe, a fellow employee who witnessed the exchange while microwaving his leftover lasagna. “It was like watching two old warriors trying to outdo each other without throwing a punch. They kept raising the stakes until they both landed on a time they ‘really fucked up’ their wrist. That’s when things finally settled down.”
The company’s manager, Tony Daley, admitted he had concerns about the tension between high-testosterone workplace personas when hiring the two.
“I was hoping it would make the team more competitive, but honestly, it’s just led to a lot of people standing around, swapping stories about how sick they used to be. It’s really bringing down our quarterly earnings,” said Daley, adjusting his glasses as he organized a stack of Excel printouts. “Fortunately, I have the skills to keep things in order. After all, I’m the ‘used to be in a gang and deal drugs’ guy around here—I’ve seen real battles, not just some weekend warrior bullshit. You just have to know how to handle a crew and when to assert dominance.”
Corporate workplace solutions instructor Dana Morris, who was recently brought in to conduct a conflict resolution seminar, described the phenomenon as a growing trend in modern offices.
“Every office needs a ‘used to box’ guy, a ‘used to skate’ guy, and ideally, a former cheerleader who now runs HR with the cold efficiency of a retired assassin,” Morris explained. “It’s all about balancing the ecosystem of egos. That’s how commerce breathes. If men didn’t have these past-life personas to cling to, they’d be forced to process their emotions like adults, and let’s be real—the workplace would crumble instantly. Offices thrive when there’s interpersonal tension.”
At press time, Piper and DeRosa bonded over their joint history of orthopedic surgeries and were considering starting a “recovery club” at work, while the IT department stayed on high alert for any “used to lift” guy trying to join.