CHICAGO — President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first night of the Democratic National Convention where he fought back tears talking about his proudest political achievements, which included funding a genocide.
“Listen Jack, I’ve been doing this a long time. I gave my life to serving this country, and I’m just so happy that my presidency was a big reason so many people lost their lives in Gaza. Without my unwavering support of Israel, they wouldn’t have had the weapons to pull off such an accomplishment,” said President Biden during the 47-minute speech. “I just wish I could have done this sooner. I talked with other presidents about how much joy bombing faraway lands brought them, and let me tell you, it’s a high you can’t comprehend. The future of the Democratic party is strong, I know Kamala will continue to build on my legacy.”
Delegates at the event were moved to see President Biden be so vulnerable.
“This is history in the making right here. Joe has really set a template on how America can use its unmatched power to bully other countries into backing off of Israel. This ten-month campaign of constant bombing might have been over in a matter of weeks if it weren’t for Joe standing up for his beliefs,” said DNC attendee Katherine Himsal. “It’s sad to see him go. I remember becoming such a fan when he introduced that crime bill in the ‘90s that led to incarceration rates skyrocketing. My family owns a private correctional facility in Louisiana, so I’ve personally seen how beneficial overcrowded prisons can be.”
Pro-Palestine protestors admit they are happy to see Biden go, but don’t have any confidence things will get better.
“You would think the countless photos of dead children could appeal to the humanity of our elected officials and have them stand up for what’s right. But then you have to remember that American politicians gave up their humanity as soon as they run for office,” said Rayan Bashir while trying not to be beaten by Chicago police for marching in the streets. “The only thing that brings me some joy is knowing that Biden is a Catholic and believes in Hell, and I hope his views of the afterlife are accurate, because he will burn in Hell for eternity.”
At press time, venue security was on high alert after President Biden became disoriented from all the flashing lights and wandered off without supervision.