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Subscription Box Service Gives Gutter Punks New Box to Live In Every Month

PALO ALTO, Calif. — The new “gutterhaus” subscription box service is disrupting the living-on-the-streets industry by delivering artisanal cardboard boxes to gutter punks every single month, horrified homeless advocates confirmed.

“This is just what I do — I shift paradigms at the bleeding edge of growth hacking,” said gutterhaus CEO Dave Brenton, before anyone asked a single question. “For the low cost of $69.95 a month, gutter punks can receive a new, cardboard box delivered straight to their door… which, typically, is also a cardboard box.”

Brenton, a tech millionaire and serial entrepreneur, created gutterhaus to cater to the many homeless punks throughout San Francisco.

“About a year ago, I was driving through the Mission… when I saw punks huddled in cardboard boxes, trying to stay dry,” said Brenton. “I was heartbroken to see so many suffering Millennials off of whom I hadn’t made any money. I knew I had to do something. And thus, gutterhaus.”

Gutterhaus public relations executive Amanda J. Happ was quick to note what sets their boxes apart from other impromptu shelters.

“Our small-batch, fair trade boxes are crafted by international artisans from virgin, corrugated cardboard,” explained Happ. “We combined that with the tech world concept of ‘planned obsolescence’ to bring customizable authenticity and originality into every every design. This way, our subscribers get to experience a new box every single month, because they have to.”

However, several in the San Francisco homeless community object to the “not at all helpful” new service — with many offering feedback like, “Seriously, what the shit?” after their one-month free trial.

“Some douchey tech guy wearing a blazer dropped a fancy, new box in front of me… and then just smirked, like I should thank him,” said homeless punk Anthony Dominguez. “When I told him I haven’t eaten in two days and could really use some food, he scoffed and hopped back in his Audi. So… I guess I’ll go fuck myself, then?”

Despite zero interest from the gutter punk community, no subscribers at launch, and a completely unscalable business model, gutterhaus had secured 55 million dollars in seed funding at press time.

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