AMHERST, Mass. — A new study conducted by the University Of Massachusetts found that roughly 9,000 bottles of perfectly good wine are wasted on rug commercials annually, sparking heated discussions amongst Zinfindal enthusiasts nationwide.
“When I first came up with the figure I was stumped,” said Dr. Andy O’Riley, who uncovered the finding after watching countless hours of rug cleaner infomercials while on the job. “Thousands of bottles are dumped by actors in these commercials including Merlots, Cabernets, Sherries, the list really goes on. Typically, the actor walks into a room with a firm grasp on a glass of red wine only to have it fly out of their hand and land on a white carpet, where the stain then begins to set into the fibers, until the actor pulls out a bottle of rug cleaner from thin air, and magically lifts the red wine stain from the carpet.”
Lead study consultant Doug Elliott was less than amused with the findings.
“What’s wrong with these people? 9,000 bottles! What are you kidding me? We could be drinking that down at Pete’s Tavern!” said Elliott as he began to mash his own grapes in case the global supply of red wine ran out. “Not once did I see a cheap box of wine like Franzia being used. I vow never to use a product from the rug cleaner industry. I mean for fucksakes, they might as well have been using liquid gold. It’s always the good stuff. They don’t even attempt to breathe in the aromas before dumping the stuff!”
Expert rug commercial wine spiller Sheila Jenkins weighed in on the shocking study findings.
“I’ve been professionally dumping wine onto carpets for decades. Anything other than a red just doesn’t sell the rug cleaner. When people see the spill in action, they can’t help themselves. It triggers some type of primal desire to remove the stain out of the carpet,” said Jenkins as she uncorked a bottle of French Merlot to pour onto a white shag rug. “I consider myself an artist of this craft and I only use the best products available to me, I refuse to use anything less than $29.99 a bottle.”
At press time, Elliott was seen driving a forklift to “save” the supply of red wine bottles from a rug commercial’s shooting set.