WASHINGTON — The Straight Edge Supreme Court will hear arguments this week in the case of Lewis v. Monster Energy which could overturn the landmark MacKaye vs. Caffeine Case as the court’s judges are now a 6-3 Hardline majority.
“I’m not drinking booze or burning coffin nails, I’m just having 13 Monster Energy drinks a day to stay alert,” said Jeff Lewis, drummer in Philadelphia’s xCorrelationx. “I’ve had to defend my personal choices for years and I’ve found myself trying to educate people about what the framers of the straight edge had in mind when they started this great experiment. It will be nice to have the Straight Edge Supreme Court finally weigh in on this important issue. We have a strong case and precedent on our side.”
“The only problem is that my friend Dean slept with two of the newer justice’s girlfriends back in 2017. They have been mean-mugging me this whole time, but I have faith that they will remain impartial,” Lewis added.
Many straight-edgers drink caffeine often and are worried what this court case could mean for their identities.
“This could devastate my family, my business, and all my friends if the court classified caffeine as an edge break,” said Janice Evans, owner of Silverlake’s vegan coffee hotbed Salad Days. “These hardline court justices are taking the rules of straight edge too far! They came from the ‘90s Salt Lake City scene and have a much more strict interpretation of straight edge than most practitioners. Their conservative values don’t represent us. Next thing you know they’ll make the decision ‘girls can’t be straight edge.’”
Straight Edge Supreme Court scholars are already predicting this case will usher in a major shift in the straight edge landscape.
“This is the most Hardline the court has been in its 40 years of existence. Four of the justices are so Hardline that they believe wearing sunscreen is an edge break, and that if you’ve ever kissed someone who had been drinking then you can’t call yourself edge,” said Jimmy O’Leary, a noted zine maker who covers the courts. “On the other side, you have three liberal justices who advocate for topical use of CBD. And two ‘swing’ justices that have more of an old school ‘80s view of straight edge. This is going to be exciting, but if you’re a coffee drinker you might want to stock up now.”
The next case on the Straight Edge Supreme Court docket is Logan v. GT’s Living Foods which will decide whether or not straight edgers can drink the fermented tea which contains 0.5% ABV.