QUINCY, Mass. — Supermarket chain Stop & Shop announced that their stores would no longer sell cigarettes due to poor sales from the vast decline of cool teenagers across the region, the executive board confirmed.
“We’ve been tracking the data for a while, and the numbers don’t lie. The drought of cool teenagers who wear leather jackets and live by their own rules is directly connected to our rapidly declining sales of cigarettes and tobacco products. Therefore, we will be discontinuing sales in the next few days,” said company President Gordon Reid. “There was a time when an effortlessly cool teen could flock to our stores with a flawless fake I.D. to grab a pack of Marlboros and smoke them while leaning against the hood of their I-ROC in the parking lot looking aloof yet affable. But research has shown most would rather be vaping while watching six simultaneous Twitch channels at once. And it’ll be a cold day in hell before we sell any of that bubblegum vape garbage.”
Many teens cited significant changes in their lifestyles leading to cigarettes no longer being necessary.
“Why would I willingly take multiple cigarette breaks a day and give myself lung cancer when I could use that time to be in math club? Last time I checked, smelling like tar was for the olds and there’s no way I’m stinking up my dad’s Honda Odyssey when I go trade Funko Pops on the weekend,” said 14-year-old Matt Frink. “Sorry if I’m ruining some grocery store’s sales, but I’d rather spend my money on a sensible water bottle to reduce my plastic use.”
Anti-smoking organizations admitted they may have gone too far with preventing teens from smoking.
“We just wanted to encourage kids to make healthier choices, and now we have have a generation of dorks who think Mr. Beast is cooler looking than every punk band from the ‘80s combined. The only ones who do use tobacco are fratty douche lords who pop Zyns like candy, and that’s a huge turnoff for most high school-aged kids,” said Truth rep Morgan Jenkins.” Listen kids, we got a whole boatload of nicotine patches you can have until you’re ready for the real shit, just please keep supporting your local chains and loiter outside of them while playing music too loud. The culture depends on it.”
As of press time, Stop & Shop said they would still allow teens to smoke weed and light their recycling bins on fire behind the stores.