WASHINGTON — A crowd of onlookers gathered at the entrance of a Safeway supermarket in Columbia Heights in tingling anticipation of a lone shopping cart waiting to get absolutely blasted from the back by a returning shopping cart, multiple sources confirmed.
“I was walking into the store when I noticed the commotion,” said Safeway shopper Nicole Ortiz. “There was one shopping cart sitting by itself in that vestibule area between the two pairs of automatic sliding doors. It seemed really horny and eager, which struck me as odd, since this sort of behavior was more typical in grocery store hand baskets. Then I noticed a man in the parking lot walking towards us from his car, pushing an empty shopping cart, and it all made sense. That first shopping cart was going to get totally reamed in its rear gate. I felt like I needed a shower after watching it.”
Safeway personnel confirmed the occurrence of the impending inanimate schtupping, though no one could understand why this instance felt more erotic than the millions of other times a customer had returned a cart by slamming it into another one.
“Our shopping carts are always stored like this, with the front of one entering the back of the other,” said Daniel Troppe, the branch manager of the Safeway. “They design them to take up less space by penetrating each other from behind. But in the 15 years that I’ve worked here, this is the first time it’s been obvious that a shopping cart was just begging to get fucked – and fucked good. A portion of our customers seemed almost jealous of it. I’m just glad there were no children around at the time.”
Dr. Alice Whittaker, a sociologist who specializes in the erotic behavior of metal objects on wheels – a niche known as rotaemetallicumology – explained that shopping carts in captivity don’t copulate in the same way that humans do.
“Rather than a repetitive motion – like thrusting, licking, or caressing – culminating in orgasm, the sex act for shopping carts consists of a single, forceful clank,” Whittaker said. “The more powerfully the bow of the entering cart smashes the stern of the receiving cart, the more pleasurable the sexual congress will be for both carts. Except for Whole Foods carts, of course. It’s almost like those ones can’t experience sexual gratification at all.”
At press time, the shopping cart that got railed was seen behind the building with a lit cigarette in its chassis.